It’s not

21 October 4:51 pm
SO conflicted
We came as Romans - A war inside

It’s not that I’m wishing him death. No, I’m serious. It’s just his death will bring a vertiginous change to everything that I cannot wait for it to happen, the status-quo must be broken. It might be my diabolical ascendancy, or something, because of thinking it my blood rush and the adrenaline gets pumped in my system. I know it’s wrong, I know I’m going to regret my words, because reasons, but seriously, the more I think about it (and it’s not like I think about this, constantly) the giddier I get. It might be the psychopath in me, but after YEARS of this feelings of castration, death is the only option to my eyes… sure, he could reconsider and make me free and make everything even, but with me thinking “ain’t gonna happen.” There is only one option that remains…

Well, no… if the future holds, then with money in my hands, I leaving this god’s forsaken life behind to begin with my new challenges… these ones are getting old.

Also, people that thinks that being gay is Satanic and a evil plan for Satan to conquer the world… what the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously, I’m infinitely curious to know who the fuck is giving that information and I would like to stop trying to get into my head and trying to change my mind, because I suffer from low self-esteem and sometimes I doubt myself, even if I always have been this way. Seriously, seriously, this attack to my person is getting annoying, but I suppose I just have to weather the attack to my person, until the relationship dies, because… incompatible is not the right word for what is happening. I WANT TO MARRY A WOMAN DAMN IT! I already own hell, what the fuck is the worst that could happen? It’s not a fucking challenge, Universe!

I recently live conflicted and my mind is not helping me. Seriously, mind… you are supposed to be my ally, not hindering me with annoying things that does not matter! The hell that anything of that is going to help me to sort through my 3D life and fuck it… these days I’m hoping that Nietzsche was right and fuck souls and creationism…

I want a friendship that cannot be screwed over, at least in the spiritual realm… because this new group, Jesus Christ, metaphorically. I can’t live like that. *sigh* *faceplam* I want someone to talk about this situation I’m going through, and that understands about witchcraft and curse jobs and Archangels and divine hierarchy and doesn’t think I’m insane nor just humours me… I NEED A KINDRED SOUL! This is absurd… I have people that I can speak about and I can’t… what the fuck are we playing, life?

Bleh, whatever, I have so much to say, but will it change something? No.

Blegh, blegh, blegh… whatever…


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Next year will be the BLAST

22 September 10:37 am
EXCITED and uncomfortable
Mermelada Bunch - Me liberé

I went to a really nice lady that reads Tarot. I know I never have to much faith, but right now I’m so hopelessly hoping that I never lose faith, what has been predicted is going to come, no matter what. I want this to be truth like nothing before. The cards opened, without me asking or anything, and I didn’t even had this in my mind. To skittish about the black magical attack I suffered… I’m hoping that is a thing of the past, also. But the point is, this lady tells me, out of the blue and out of nowhere; that she sees me emigrating next year, period. This is already in movement and next year, I’m away and happily in another country. Where? It was not stated. I threw some options, none where confirmed, but it’s a destination I will LOVE. Gods… I want this so badly, my heart inflates with only thinking about it! She told me I would be extremely productive, I would find love; I would finally have my so sought Group of Friends. I decree this will be. I’m silent and in a cooperative state.

Because I’m always going to heaven, crying. I’m searching another Great Card Reading, to get the confirmation to what I’ve already been told. Hey! The more you tell something, the quicker it becomes true, innit? This Psychic I found, scares me a little, because It seems to focus too much on everything that is wrong, but I supposed,  I was told everything that is good, now I need the stones in my way to dodge them, like a sir! MATRIX style.

Some things that I knew, where confirmed, which relieves me and puts me in a uncomfortable position at the same time. I’m not sure if I wanted to be wrong. But the truth is that I’m seldom wrong. What can I tell you? This sensation is too strong to be my imagination. And I am one of those people that the more you push, the harder I will resist the push. I don’t know… ORZ « that’s my emoticon respecting this situation.

I’m ridiculously curious where the money will come for me to go away. Well, I have many ideas, but I see many of them too far away, never you mind. Silent and cooperative is the MOTTO.

Apparently I will be invited to a wedding (?) that threw my off centre.

I will also enter in a short relationship with a woman, whom I have not met, yet; before emigrating. This woman will be not so Spiritual as I am, but she will be in this world. I’m not sure if the Lady was referring that she will not be as “powerful” as I am… but… that comes difficult, unless I partner myself with another Archangel or something? I’m still on the fence with that one… when I see my power present on me, I shall believe… but these things are usually on reserve. Believe to See, oh life…

I will recover and my spiritual power, SOON.

All the Karmas I have been battling with these Dearly Beloveds will be settled.

There is a woman in my life, whom loves me; on a platonic way, very much. I’m still thinking whom can that be. Hey UNIVERSE! I need confirmation or explanation about this two women that appeared in the cards. Are the ones I think they are? I don’t have many options, anyway.

Other things were told, but they don’t need to be put in here. I have them present and I have my eyes open!


18 September 4:19 am
Gotye - Heart's a Mess

How curious it is that it’s only when I’m in their company that I go anywhere? And I’m not particularly speaking of “going” physically… usually in my every day life I’m just… stuck here. It’s the interaction that shot me off to the metaphorical skies. It is very annoying, I want to be always in the middle, it’s really easy to go trough this stupid ultra-dense life while not being totally here… but so far, it only happens while I’m with them. The rest? Nothing. Actually, it worsens the longer I am around. Well, I say it worsen, but for me I should say “it gets better”, but you know what I mean, and if you don’t… well, I know what I mean.

Apparently I was the victim of “brujería” yeah, there is not really a word for it in English and victim is such a inappropriate name. Trust me, witchcraft is NOT the same thing. The curious thing is, I barely have friends… where the hell did I put the enemies if I don’t get out of my room seventy per cent of the time? Well, if everything goes according to plan, this should be a bad memory of the past. I might even be able to forget it… it was pretty normal, or maybe I just caught to it quickly. Apparently it was the second.  I still don’t believe the attack was directed to me, directly, but weirder things have happened in this universe.

I’m tired and cold… but it seems the whims of life never ends x.x. I really don’t like playing without knowing all the rules, the participants and the judges… it makes me absurdly uncomfortable.

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Mabon’s gate spread

12 September 10:21 pm
I'm not sure
Lisa Thiel - Kuan Yin's Mantra

I did the Mabon’s Gate spread with my tarot… as you might have noticed by the title. It was very funny and also very spot on, though I didn’t get all the cards to speak to me, so I’m researching, which is what you are going to see below.

1. What is my goal?

The King of Wands: not sure what this mean. But it represent a good omen… according to the meaning of the card. Spiritually it means I’m well into my “path”. It also tells me I’m trying to hard, well… thanks for that… yeah, sarcasm Sheldon… I guess a new and original approach is coming, like “In general”? I don’t know… this first cards didn’t talk to me too clear. Yeah, they usually talk, literally, out loud… let’s be inspired! Oh, I really despise the suit of wands… it also can be to become a leader? A spiritual leader? I can hold my life and you want me to hold others? *LAUGH* that’s funny.

2.What is blocking me from reaching this goal?

The Queen of Pentacles: if only this had a cup instead of pentacles I would have a clear reading, but… let’s see what we get. WAIT is we joined the first cards and the next card is the High Priestess… give me a minute. It means that I’m dissociating myself? Or their are energies occulted? Nopes, this makes no sense. A nurturing woman that is working as the questioner? Well, I throw the question to the universe, what the fuck this card mean? I suppose it will come, sooner or later.

3. The ways in which I  unconsciously block myself?

The High Priestess: I put in my notebook that I’m letting myself be defeated by my hidden traumas and deliriums, but I’m not sure if that is the real answer, but I’m pretty sure it is… this Archangel business has my knickers in a twist. It makes sense the “You do nothing, so nothing happen.” Well~ excuse me while I continue to be stuck in here… ASDFFGHJJKL! What the hell can I do? Go away from home where the Earth is falling apart? Yeah, thank you so much for that, jerks… or that I’m not trusting myself enough and I’m searching for too much external validation? Urgh… yeah, I might be guilty of this… but it’s kinda hard… and recently I have not had much more options… I saw “Patience” guilty as charge, ask me anything, but patience… it’s not my strongest suit. I don’t know… Oh, I had a nightmare, which I’m pretty sure it means I feel powerless in my surroundings, maybe this is it?

4. What I have already accomplished?

The Lovers: these ambiguous cards of maybes, kill me… THEY KILL ME DEAD, YA HEAR ME?! “When the student is ready the Master appears!” I highly dislike you all! Apparently I have made up my mind spiritually? Well the hell this card ain’t meaning anything related to conventional love :S or I am torn between to paths… this card sucks for me to interpret SO MUCH. ALRIGHT UNIVERSE! Tell me what this means! A little help HERE! Why can I never see my accomplished? Hello, I’m alive… that means I have accomplished something, right? I put in the notebook that my accomplishments have been so far ephemeral, but whatever… I’m not sure what is the real answer.

5. What helped me accomplish it?

3 of Pentacles: Whatever it was that I accomplished it was accomplished with Hard Work? This was the first thing I reached for, but apparently it usually means: Team Work, which I normally suck at and also I have taken great consideration of all the steps I have made so far. It also tells me I’m on the right path, again. Give the devil his due? Like… really metaphorical… I’m surrounded by Angels and Archangels of light and love and… I normally end with light poisoning… don’t ask. But I guess a lot of people, from my point of view, took me here? #ploplo

6. How have I helped myself?

The Hermit: another card that told me NOTHING AT ALL. But, I supposed with introspection? I know that is what this card mean. I looked inside? Apparently I have had indirect teachers that have helped me all around. Agreed. I dislike these types of teachers, but alright… “Looking for the answer within” *chuckles* “To be your own mentor” *more chuckles*

7.  The way my goal is received by others?

The Devil: Oh look…  I have so much to say about this, but I won’t.  So, other people are seeing my goals as something bad and unhealthy? Well, it sucks to be you, judgemental people, this is who I am… it’s not like I can change it or something. Thank you, I love you. I can’t really blame them… it’s the “Master, Master” energy, there is no much else I can do about that. Everything I do will be focused in this light, like… no pun intended, because… yeah, I will now go and rest in the bed I made. Why not? Humans!

8. Who will benefit from my idea?

Prince of Pentacles: Another card that told me NOTHING. But apparently here I’m represented as man, or not… I don’t know. This should be myself, right? I think this is myself, if it’s not, I have not idea, for cereal…

9. How I can re-visualize my idea?

5 of Cups:  At first this card put me out a little. I mean… this is a pretty BAD card, but I also discovered it has a ‘nice’ side. too.  Apparently it means rebirth, but where I found the information this was not re-visualize, so. I need another meaning, but what I had put down, was that after so many tears and blood and suffering some good will come. I suppose I have to be more positive? *urgh*  “All is not lost” “Focus on the present and the future” Well… I hardly focus on the past. Not to cry over spilt milk, GOOD ADVICE. Now I have just to practice what I preach or what I predict *BA DUM TSS* sorry, bad joke. HOPE, have HOPE, have FAITH! urgh… yey! My two favourite things… no.

10. The next step?

The Judgement: A change of dimension or life? Exploring new spiritual ideas? Salvation, apparently.

11. The key which will unlock the door to achievement?

8 of Cups: Let go and go with the flow.

I’m still waiting for the fucking change

08 September 6:39 am

How fucking curios is the fact that I was the most happy human being in this planet while none of the annoyance in my life where around me! Yep! I even forgot the existed, and they come back and everything gets fucked up again and don’t tell me I am fucking vibrational match to those fucking rats from the sewers BECAUSE I’M NOT. How can I be when their existence doesn’t even registers when they are not around me? I’m so mad, GOD by now I am willing to go to jail, only if I get to poison them all, I don’t need to get my hands, literally dirty.

It’s not that they turn on the A/C, NOT, they can SHOVE THE FUCKING A/C IN THEIR FUCKING NAKED ARSE! It’s the fucking principle for the mother’s sake I tried I swear I tried to be fucking Zen about this, but are you fucking kidding me? How? How? What else can I ask for this stupid situation to solve, how many times do I have to apologise for something I didn’t do? DAMN IT, by no I’m even fucking willing to let myself fall and fucking curse them? How hard can it be, consequence be damned, to achieve making them feel half of the fucking indignation and half of the uncomfortable feelings I have felt since this people came into my life. I don’t care anymore if I lose the incarnation, I’ll just not graduate or that another imbecile takes this, instead of me, because FUCK YOU, how many times do I have to weather successfully a situation so it doesn’t happen any more? And to the whims of whom is the grade of that test?


Fuck, and I can send all to the metaphorical hell but the truth is that it really doesn’t matter how much I try, the thing will still incense me *growl from the diaphragm*, right now if I knew how to curse people I would do it: to the last consequences, powers be damned if I can take them all to the fucking grave… twenty five years, TWENTY-FIVE?! HOW MUCH LONGER!? They are the root of all my evils! And I know this will appear later on in my life, but at least it will be slightly different and it will be to directly screw with my personal life.

Honestly, I hope they all have a horrible day just as I just had a horrible wake up. This is no way to wake up, especially when they are just fucking dreaming about fucking sheep. I don’t have a strong enough insult I can say to sate my soul.

You see what I ask? After asking to know how to fucking solve the issue and what do I have to learn? That they are taken! Anywhere I don’t care where, to spit in my face that it be to Denmark or London, while I’m stuck here in this miserable god’s forsaken land! BUT SOMETHING, because this cannot be possible.

This situation have YEARS in the making, and asking for the issue to solve has been months… and nothing have changes! And do you ask me WHY the fuck do I lose faith? Story of my fucking life. Oh, fucking forget it… I won’t even bother to tell this will stay the same, because whatever. EVERYTHING JUST GO TO THE FUCKING HELL TO SEE HOW MUCH YOU LIKE IT! GAH!

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Does it?

01 September 10:56 am

AHHH! So that’s what they meant? The fact that when I was born, I was the only one, in every way and suddenly, fast forwarding some time; then more ‘things’ began to arrive and then, I, myself, alone, because apparently that’s something that I felt and “never happened”. I felt like being left aside and desperation it’s a very powerful thing and rebelliousness it’s just something I’m good at? Curious, if this microbe I am in here, the situation is half of what really happened. Sure, right now: or I forced myself to forget or I really don’t care as much or simply I can’t really obsess in anyway about anything; anymore, which is the main cause of my “Never Finish Anything” issue. Things simply stop being as shiny as they were when we first did it. Sure there was a “Navel Program” in my soul, but I think there was a “Lost in Translation” stuff, because if I was the one whom told everybody: just let that shit as it is right now and get over it. It shouldn’t affect me, like it affected the millions of minions working for whomever it was in charge of this shit.

But, returning to the subject I wanted to write about it, I always derail… and why would that be? *sarcasm*

Anyway… the picture is this: ‘believed’ unloved and… that seems to be a very destructive force, someone comes, directly or not and I decided to throw myself down that rift? So desperately willingly? Well, that prospect suck, I don’t feel like I am an easy to manipulate person, but maybe I always feel so unloved that I am, or maybe not unloved, just ‘To Belong’ do you know what I mean? The quid of the problem is I want to belong and I don’t care which group is that. Sure, I can be all the BELOVED, everybody wants, but to actually feel like you “belong” or be fully “accepted”. I’m not explaining this shit like it is. Oh! Words… you fail me once, again. I smacked my little finger against the door’s threshold and then my computer died on me… it worried me for a second. I’m not planning on going anywhere today, anyway… so I should be safe of any announced catastrophe. Maybe…

The issue with that theory is that I don’t really needed to be manipulated and according to the theory, whomever tried to do it, should have known that… I mean… my Good/Bad Compass is sort of screwed and with telling me: “Come to the Dark Side, we have cookies.” I would have gone, willingly. Because, why not? I mean, I don’t, apparently; feel appreciated on this side… do you think I won’t go, easily, to taste the other one? How about I do infinite headdesks? Looking back to my microcosm hologram… that man, after doing some fancy tricks, tells me to go and steal with him… I don’t think I would have said no. The more I think about this problem, the more Ego I feel developing and more stupid I feel about myself and the situation. Let me finish watching this video and come back to write this shit, to see if my perspective is, at least, a bit different…

Alright, back.

What was I talking about? Never mind… you know what? I’m cured from my ulcer, but now I can’t eat fast food or that kind of food, because apparently I don’t land… don’t try to understand, it’s complicated and have to be with souls… I also brought a mini-broom and a mini-dustpan… one works, the other… I have to make it work, but for the price, I’m ok with its kink. Too bad I didn’t catch the stuff early, ’cause I wanted the rainbow one. At least I got zebra and not something brown and ugly. T^T I miss being capable of eating on Mcdonnals and feeling like your stomach is going to run away from you. I also want more water, but that means, going down the stairs and… the stomp on my foot, was graver than I thought XD. The shit was hilarious when it happened, though.

Yes, I changed the subject on purpose, because, never you mind, que-sera-sera and whatever bullshit we have to eat to go through this live with minimum trauma.

Rain, Rain, RAIN I CALL THE FORWARD! MUAHAHAHAHAHA *Suppa’ evul laugh*

Also: allow me to snigger at all the life inconsistencies and people’s words inconsistencies, that I won’t bother to point out, because really… you are throwing stones? I just laugh at you while you do that and notice your mistakes all bared for my to see. Deeply amused.

Sincerely me, L.


31 August 9:33 pm

Apparently, a disaster is going to come… and not only for us, but even if it will commence here, it will drag along the entire world.

Just kidding, maybe…

I have been waiting this type of disaster and don’t misunderstand, I’m not speaking of the Apocalypse, even if the horsemen already roam Earth, it’s different… and the same way my wants of writing this post came, they went away, I think I’m still too tired to properly put this into words.

I have no voice right now and how difficult is to defend oneself without a voice, kudos for those mute people and may my voice returns in haste. I don’t feel comfortable without it. I don’t normally speak, but that is a personal preference, not a necessity.

I don’t know what I really want, I notice, constantly. It’s curious now when I don’t even want to die, I suppose I want to stay home and be always slouched in my bed, except you know, that makes your skin melts with the sheets and your mind in a constant state of: “what the hell are you doing?” But yeah, that would probably be my honest answer if anybody asks…

As such thing borders in the improbably territory: I want a half day job with full pay, a small flat in the highest floor possible; an alien cat, telekinetic powers; a comfortable to my standards relationship, better with two people so I can’t get bored of xyr, all the answers of the universe and to enter the Akashic Records, because why not?

I don’t think I have been called a spoiled and easy to manipulate child so many times before, or never really, recently that is all I hear, it’s kind of funny and partially insulted and maybe even accurate, but nobody ever would want to admit to that and WTF? seriously… I have never been the kind of capricious little brat I have been called recently. In a temper tantrum? Alright, sure I can enter in one of those, but I can’t really remember having been prone to them, beyond the normal and rarely usual infantile temper-trantrum, but what do I know?

But maybe it has been my evolution to where I am today and now I simply feel exahusting to go against the current… I still think a certain way, but you know what? Just screw it. Urgh… I don’t even know what to tells anybody anymore, right now I just feel like putting a blindfold in my eyes and tell the Universe, alright, take the wheel… What? I might crash? Tough luck…

Maybe it’s just time to go to sleep again? Probably, especially because I’m contemplating and fuming against about the fact we are all speshul and what’s the point? Fuck it, I will just find a job as a street sweeper. It’s not like it matter if I’m the best at anything when they are a lot of best at anything out there. They endless of the Universe sometimes also pisses me off, but that might be just me.

Bah! I’m rambling just ignore me while I go to sleep, tomorrow this silliness will probably just go away…

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When life unravels before you

08 August 9:16 pm
I'm so conflicted it's not even funny!
Epilogue - Near the Border - Ending

The first thing I am going to say is:

I would have like to have found out about this… when I was a few years older and yes, maybe it would have not made that much of a difference, but with the changes currently interjecting in my life, I don’t think this news helped with the instability. Not that I feel unstable or maybe I do feel unstable, I’m on the fence of ambivalence in my life, right now… waiting for so many promised changes or the proofs thereof. Also, I will laugh to FUCKING DEATH if I find out that I was just kidding myself. I will be endlessly amused by the fact that I was able to believe such thing.

I have been doubting to even speak or write about this, because well… people already think I’m crazy, but this is a whole new level of craziness, even for me; to assure and to assume such monumental discover in my life… ego and what the fuck are you talking about, you crazy bitch? But it seems I do will speak about this, vaguely, if only to have a record that it happened… be it wrong or right.

You know how Archangels are incarnating in flesh and blood? Well, apparently and supposedly I’m one of those and which of them I am, you ask? Well… if you don’t mind, I will keep the name to myself. But it explains SO MUCH about my life… beginning for my insistence that I can’t be another thing: but blond and blue eyed, no, seriously. I am, recently; more accepting in my current third dimensional body… but sometimes, mostly in the past, I think I just got over it: I can’t believe I have brown hair and brown eyes, well, now I know why. It also explains the litigant and less stellar circumstances in my life.

It also explains why I’m rather plain in this life. Teachings in humility, anybody? I am not amused. I need to learn to be normal? Or humble? Whatever, I mean, I do consider myself a humble person and it’s not like I live towering and lording over people, for god’s sake. So what? Do I have to live what it is to pass unperceived or something?

What it’s hard to swallow it’s to be the incarnation of an Archangel and life such mundane life… do you know what I mean? Let me explain, sure, I have had some ‘traumas’ in my life, but not something that screams: OH MY GOD PRIMARY ESSENCE OF THE UNIVERSE, PASSING BY! I just live a pretty mundane life… but it may be, because nobody is that willing to put up or mess of with me or I’m not that willing to put myself through suffering, the coward! *BA DUM TSSS* Honestly, I think about it and I laugh, desperately want to believe, believe and tell myself I’m an idiot; ALL at the same time, I’m in the middle of a very quiet breakdown.

It also explains why I cannot enter the Akashic Records… OH GOD, I suddenly have a clear desperation to leave third dimension, ASAP. DESPAIR. *Headdesk, Headdek, HEADDESK* I really want a more convincing confirmation. I still don’t see the correlation with the rainbow, BY THE WAY, just saying.

I’m such a competitive little shit.

And I began to do others things and forgot about this post. Well, shit happens.


PS: If somebody reading this can do me the favour of confirming this information, I would be so very grateful XDU

You need to forgive to be able to forget

03 August 11:11 pm
hurt, relieved, content, uncomfortable?
There is this random buzzing I don't know what it is...

I’m watching this video of Louise Hay, I have known about her ethereally for a long time. I could have done the workshop, but I don’t think I would have reacted well to it, but the stupid thing is that now I’m regretting not having taken that chance, but no… it’s never too late. And the information arrived right now, because Source time is perfect. I’m also pretty impatient as everybody knows, which is the root cause  of all my problems xDU. I have also noticed that I have this thing with changing people and maybe not in the best way, because I’m sorta cruel and to your face, but I have changed a lot of people.

In this video Louise explains that you have to forgive and maybe one of the ways to do it, it’s to look back and get to know the people who surrounds you:

My biological father died before I was out of my mother’s womb. He never hurt me. I can watch him without tarnishing him with being human. He abandoned me, of course, but… I don’t have any particular opinion about him. Can I say, I forgive you? The problem is I don’t feel there is anything to forgive, for some reason…

My biological mother… well, she is clingy, needy, she is hysteric and nervous. She is also a very YOUNG soul, her life has not been the best, her relationships have not been the best, she was never married to the love of her life, dying as he died. Next husband was an abusive jerk, but the truth is… I don’t know her and I’m not interested in knowing her, because she gave me life and probably I’m grateful for that, but I’m not, right now; and I don’t feel like there is something to forgive, sure she could take her intensity down a notch, but whatever.

My father, the real one… the one I have to stand in third dimension: I won’t even deign myself to write everything that is wrong with that man and maybe I’m telling this from ego, but fuck it. Thinking on his story, I don’t know him… yes, it’s a trend with me, I don’t really know or care about those who I decided are my current family. This man was born in the forties. Misogyny everybody? I’m not surprised he hates his mother… was she the one whom left him? Or was his father? I don’t know and now I’m curious, because why does he hates women? And he does, you don’t have this trail of affairs if you loved whom you are with. He was poor, before he took off. And that’s all I know. To be honest, sure, there is a lot to forgive, but right now? I just think of him and I say: you poor bastard, what the hell are you doing with your life? So I feel pity and I shrug and I can just have faith that one day I won’t even have to remember him, because I will be far, far away and in the end he will be completely forgiven and inconsequential.

My mother, the one I have to stand day-to-day. She was born in the forties, she is ignorant; she can barely read, she doesn’t understand what is happening in front of her eyes. She can fucking channel and she does nothing with the information. She married to a man whom betrayed her and she is bounded to him forever more, because even if she can sew and cook and who knows what else, she is not prepared to take on the world alone, let’s not even speak that she is going to enter her eighth decade. What’s the point, right? NO. But that’s no my problem, seriously, it’s not. Sure, there is a lot to forgive. It is me? The fact that she loves better the children of her daughter or is a mixture of the fact that I’m a daughter of a son? I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Maybe she can’t, it’s not able to relate with me, so there is a veil or a separation. But after I forgive her, she is inconsequential; I can’t learn anything else from her. Don’t be an idiot, study; don’t be submissive, have a second plan, don’t bound yourself to a man; have some self-esteem, and etc… but she really didn’t teach me anything, not even how to cook, because while I was suffering trying to make the food to taste good enough, she was never there and the moment I learned how to ‘fend’ for myself, she disappeared all together and I keep evidencing it every day. If her other children (be it literal or metaphorical) don’t require her services: “I don’t know what you are going to eat today.” I just smile and tell her: it doesn’t matter, food will come. And I tell her soul or her higher self that I forgive her, because only by observation I knew what I shouldn’t do with my life, that dependency I still have, it’s because I’m to lazy to beat it. I don’t want to just leave everything and begin anew, even if I am quite sure I will never suffer or lack of anything important.

My other role-mother, oh boy, this is so long that I don’t even want to write it. I know about this one quite a lot, but maybe not enough. Hindsight is 20/20  and I don’t understand her choices at all. You know what you can’t do? Adopt a fucking child and then have your own children and abandon or have preference for your biological spawns, that’s not how it works… this still affects me, I’m not sure what I’m thinking that it makes this situation constant in my life, but she tries to download her problems and issues on my, I don’t allow her to do that of course, but she tries. I have spoken with her soul or higher self or whatever before, but it stills affects me. I told her she was a fucking bitch, because she lives her life hurting me, but never you mind, because apparently I was the one whom asked her to hurt me. But still, you normally don’t have the right to take me as you own child and then have a preference for your biological ones, whom the hell do you think you are? Then I remember that she is a very young nubile and soul, that I’m a very special individual (soul) that she and I don’t have anything in common, that she taught me how to be in time and not to ignore people. Because, she does it to me all the time; I just don’t care anymore and I just cock my eyebrow and wait for her to come back to me and if she doesn’t, then I will try to solve the problem by myself, don’t give time to those who don’t deserve it. I already had this conversation with her soul, I don’t need to repeat it. I supposed I will have to repeat a thousand time more: I’m sorry, please; forgive me, thank you, I love you. Until she rest inconsequential in my life too.

Her husband and her children. I hope the universe wouldn’t take on my vibration of: I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE A FIERY DEATH SO I CAN HAVE MY REVENGE AND DANCE UPON YOUR BURNING CORPSES. But, there’s no such thing. So I supposed I will just have to repeat: I’m sorry please forgive me thank you I love you a million times, until they rest inconsequential in my life. Because I only care about them, insofar as they become a nuisance in my life, like the A/C debacle which is getting better or the car debacle, but if they one day were to disappear and you ask me about it, I would probably would say: Oh yeah… those nuisances? Those mosquitoes in my life? I don’t know. But I supposed that for that to happen, I have to forgive them  TOTALLY and UNCONDITIONALLY. I wish this process would be quicker… really they are ants under my foot, but still; ants can bite and annoy you, taking space and damaging little things that before you notice: it has taken over your frigging life!

My biological half-brother… I’m not sure how I feel about him. I don’t know him, at all… with him, I have like a ethereal notion that he exists, but I’m not sure what’s up with him… and right now I’m not sure if there is something to forgive. Noup, what it’s coming to my mind I can’t say if it’s me inventing things or if it’s the truth… do I resent him because he has a mother 24/7? I’m not sure. I’m sorry please forgive me thank you I love you, because it never hurts… but I don’t want that mother I described three paragraph above… so, I don’t know, I need to investigate more on this…

My father’s out-of-wedlock children. It’s like my biological half-brother, sure… they are a nuisance of the ‘her husband and her children’ variety, but I don’t relate myself with them… sure in the past I would have said there is something to forgive, because I was protecting them instead of them protecting me, but right now? I think that I got over it… why? Well, because I don’t know anything about them and I know they exists, because they vibrate sometimes on the voice of another.  Seriously, they eventually just became inconsequential, which is what I want to happen with the people I have written above.

Luckily for me, that’s it. There are no partners, no friends, no nothing else… which is like a mercy really, but I have my hands full with these few. I will just keep working, I guess and before I know it, I will be in England or in Denmark or in the Arctic or whatever, enjoying myself and this will be nothing more than a memory that doesn’t hurt or bother anymore. It has to be, because one day be it today or tomorrow or ten years from now, I will be wiser and my troubles will be over, because I have seen the differences, from  example: where I depended on my ‘other mother’ to go anywhere, then the subway came like a fucking blessing that I can tell no matter what, how much blessing it was in my life to be able to move around the city by myself, be it in public transportation or even on my own two feet, it was a fucking blessing really, now I have a car… see how things change to better things?

It’s just a matter of time, before things move even more forward and the universe is always in expansion and new creation, so I also will expand myself until the day I change dimensions and graduate, finally. Well, or I do hope I graduate. Of course I will XD.



Special does is overated

27 July 2:29 pm

You know what it fucks me up? The fact that… we are more like My Little Pony than real humans, let me explain… I’m speaking about the ‘Cutie Marks’. In the end, everybody is special and that makes angry.  Or not… I cannot be angry like this anymore, it’s like I lost the ability since I have been healing, but it did put me down a little, because I cannot feel depression either. It’s weird, but people like me should understand.

People doesn’t seem to notice, but everybody can do everything. Like, for example, I had this recital in school, it was not the Choral of the school, it was just my classroom and the teacher didn’t want to teach, so she said one day: let’s do a choir recital and thus, we didn’t learn anything else since that day onward. The issue was… that people complained, of course, because they did not want to sing, because not everybody could sing in tune, WRONG, sure… at the beginning everything was an unmitigated disaster, to the point where the people that knew how to sing, proposed that we sang most of the song and the rest just accompanied us in the choir, but in the end? The thing was like a real choir, seriously… we could compete with whomever we wanted. It was harmonious, it was nice… and those people didn’t know how to sing and it was proven they didn’t know how to sing, it was horrible, but with a little bit of practice? And I mean, a little… we practice two hours A WEEK, alright? that’s how little we needed to practice for this…

And like this, same thing with painting and electronics and… whatever the hell you can think. And it pisses me off, or would, if I could… I know other people’s accomplishments shouldn’t make mines less, but let’s cut the crap, we are human and the fact that I can sing and paint and be good at technology, means nothing in the great scale of things, because everyone can do it with a modicum price of practising two hours a week. WHAT?!

I’m not joking… these skills (really half-skills) I have, are really something ingrained in the human mind or something. Hard science in the other hand? It’s maybe because Hard Science are not originally hard-wired, I mean, chemistry was invented by man, whilst signing is something everybody can do, because everybody (or almost everybody)  has a voice. Do you get me on this? Or I’m being silly again? So I can’t really feel proud of what I do when, first: there always will be someone that will be better than I am in everything I do, and second? Everybody can do what I do… Look at this point of view: I am good in everything that has been proven EVERYBODY can do with no time at all. Painting, Writing (communicating), Signing, Languages, etc… I mean what the fuck does it mean “You are good with language?” threw any bastard to a new country, not speaking the language and trust me, it shall be learn, no matter what. This is not a skill, to be good with language, this… just… stuff everybody can do. And that disturbs me. Because if everybody is special?

See what I mean? Everybody is special: everybody is related to Jesus Christ or has Royal blood, or belongs to the soul family of whatever. Everybody has the same potential, apparently. And I don’t like that, that’s sounds communist, if everybody is special in some way then we are all equals and WTF? I don’t want to keep thinking about this, anymore. :( yes, sad face for you life!

Pay attention and you will notice this too. Everybody can actually levitate things and see ghosts and have a telepathic connexion with anybody. Everything that makes me special, for example; doesn’t make me special at all because everybody can do it, how much of a downer is that?! Bah, whatever, that is why I don’t like relations of any kind. And I don’t want to keep talking about this…

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