What does it says about the fact that I don’t care if people are cheating on me, but I, doing the same thing, itches like hell? Really, you might not believe it, but I couldn’t care less whom the hell you are fucking even if you are in a relationship with me, but I don’t think I would be able to do the same. I would love to know the reason to that. Ah the delights of being human *pukes*
I decided, well, I don’t know how much I decided… I mean, I had already seen the workshop and I… hum~ I’m not sure about it, but then a friend came by and sent me a message and didn’t think much about it, because whatever, but said friend returned… I still don’t understand said friend reason to invite me, but everything in divine order and I refused to delve in deep waters, so… let’s concentrate in what it matters, The Workshop. Alright, I asked my father if I could do the thing and he said yes, and blah, blah, blah, I refuse to speak also of You-Know-Who, the workshop begins one 25 of April, current year and before beginning the thing, I decided that it would be cool to finally see with this two eyes, how it works the Family Constellation, which is not the psychological one, but the witchcrafty one… it is said that if you cure your ancestor and your past, issues (or situations or teachings as they are called). They will just banish away, because they are not yours, you have just been dragging this stuff for EONS, thanks to the Epigenetics and doesn’t that fucks with you?
So, I went as an observer. I would have gone as a participant, but I didn’t know what I wanted to Constellate. I lie; I could have found a thing or two, but apparently it wasn’t the moment, because I didn’t even consider it and there was the tiny little problem: quorum was full, so yeah, I went to gossip… basically. It was very cool. I fed my internal yenta, I participated as a character of the story, if you know something about Family Constellation and I was dissuaded of ANY illusions I could have had of the Facilitator, very quickly. It left me a little bit in a whiplash… usually it takes me a few classes to notice: a damn, they are humans… darn it to hell!
I don’t think I’m going to enjoy this workshop that much. Not because the Pensum doesn’t interest me, on the contrary I’m absurdly interested… it’s just that I sort have reactive energies with the Facilitator, I don’t know why… my friend says I have issues with Authority which is true, I don’t deny it… authority is nothing, so I don’t respect you unless you have gained my respect, but that’s not it. I don’t go searching to make Authority’s life impossible, I just: if you keep your way, I keep mine, and so. It was so discordant that I usually stay a while, so I can speak with the Facilitator and I don’t know, probe some more… maybe? But this time? This time I just shoot out of the door as if I was being thrown out and… oh shit. HAHAHAHA XD are you fucking kidding me? Alright, really, this is going to be a blast and yes I’m being ironic… fuck it, really. Fuck it.
Well, I hope the workshop turns out for the better and the suffering be short. I’ll keep this blog posted, maybe…
PD: it seems that something was moved from me too, because I feel kinda sick… urgh~
I am going to take this as a signal that it working so much that has me spiraling out of control in my angst and for some strange reason, I feel used and cheap, but nothing new there. I was going to say stuff, but as usual, there is only a blank in my head where my complaints should be, but really, right now I am in a very deep hole, which I don’t really want to climb out, and not because I like the hole, but because literally I’m too tired of climbing out and out and I’m always somehow or another end in the same spot.
Do you know what I feel right now really? I should be pissed off, but of course, anger is something I seldom feel, and now? Much more… but I feel like everybody’s lives are snapping into places and mine still feels in the same stuck spot that is always is, and ok, maybe I’m just blind and lost in my usual wangst, what can I tell you? I try, maybe the energies outside don’t help much, because the only thing that has been eradicated from my life for good is Suicide and it was entertaining to contemplate it, I cannot do that anymore and whatever… but my wangsting? Spiraling with my thought is kinda my superpower, but I do feel kind of annoying with the situation, to the point where yesterday I was ready to send everything to the metaphorical hell when… well I just fell asleep, but I don’t even know how to put into words what I am feeling, but it’s not a good feeling, is ugly and it seems to taint on the inside, well, more tainted that I, ain’t much people, so never you mind.
Fuck, never you mind… if I have to stay here forever, I am well and ready, the situation in this country is about to change, so, five years of crisis? Bring it on it! And then I’ll pretend I never had dreams, which thinking about it. I really have no concrete dreams. I don’t want a family, I don’t want to have a specific house, I don’t want to be successful, seriously? Is kind of sad, because when I see towards the future, I’m not thinking, well… I would like: this, this, this, this. When I see into the future is something like: find money, go to the cinema, sleep… sometimes ice cream, the rest, oh… the connection to internet, that is very important, this is where my life develops.
From this own I will be like a leaf in a river, I struck myself against a rock, awesome, I ran down the stream, awesome too. maybe this is my weariness speaking and we know how volatile my feelings can be… or the lack of there of. Urgh, to this point I have absolutely no idea of what I want, for what I want seldom I get, as instantaneously as it can be, because the moment I don’t want the stuff anymore is when it comes and everything else… I don’t know either, because you can’t know what you don’t know, if you understand what I’m trying to say.
No seriously, fuck it.
Sincerely, this very half-tired, half-annoyed “human”.
Today, on the day I arrived to this world, whom I have to admit, don’t like… I would like to say that I would love to write everything it happening in here, but it’s so impossible and absurd that I don’t have the wants to do it, nor the inclinations, because I wouldn’t know where to begin, but if you could see my life now, even if it doesn’t directly reflect itself in third dimension, I live in a movie or a book of those I love to read. Some days ago, I made a love ritual, I did it, I don’t know why, I’m most certainty not searching for it and to be honest I don’t want it for certain implications and in the moment I have decided that I am willing to stay for the rest of my life, alone. This jewel of a future appears in my horizon… it is hard to believe that somebody holds so much love for you, that it’s willing to come down here just to be with you… I’m not sure if I’m ready for that, because these days, I have been feeling in love… and I’m alone, third dimensionally speaking and I’m treating this as being “infatuated”, because I don’t have a frame of reference, I have never been in love before… I have actually never been in nothing before.
To this moment, it will be, literally… just to wait and see. I mean, it would be great to have somebody with whom you can share your life fully, but I don’t think I can take the fights and the tears and the angers that come with a relationship, even if I would be entering in a relationship, according to; with the only person that tolerates me in full and I, the same. You know what it’s the most fucked up thing? Excite myself with this prospect of a future and that it never happens or if loves comes in third dimensional, it will never feel like this thing running amok in my mind. I supposed this is a moment from where “Having blind faith” is the way to go, the issue is that I am not sure, how much I want to give myself to having blind faith. The many scenarios in which this can go down the drain…
The only thing I can do right now is: SPIRIT in your hands my insecurities and the conflicts lying in my soul.
Now, I shall go and keep pondering stuff in my mind while I do stuff. Yeah, I know.
Oh, just to leave this on record. I was awoken today by music blasting from another apartment and said song was “El Perdedor by Enrique Iglesias” and in and of itself, if wouldn’t be strange, but recently everything is a message, but… this just throws away everything that have been saying. I mean, nothing has happened so far and we are already with such song? Let’s see what I get late. Or maybe it’s a: “let’s try even if we lose everything?” Well, shit.
Today, being Imbolc and all, I found that every Sabbath and Esbat has a tarot spread, so I said why not. The first time I did this, still the sun was shining and it was an unmitigated disaster, except maybe that reversed seven of cups, which told me that my strengths were Forgiveness and stuff, but I think that would be more like ‘weapons’ not strength… I don’t have a particular easy time forgiving.
So, without further delay, a reading that actually made sense!
The first card, which represents my strengths, I have the II of Wands, apparently, my strengths lay in my Personal Power and my capacities for originality. You know? I have always have a hate/love relationship with creativity, because, there is nothing new under the sun, but I suppose now creativity means giving a new twist to something, that I can do… the issue is that is never as GOOD as a I want it to be or I envisioned it in my head, which frustrates me to no end; but let’s have a little bit of high self-esteem today and pretend until you make it that I have all that creativity and indeed, you can take everything from me, but I still will have an attitude, I don’t see myself being stripped of my personal power, for me. I’m awesome.
The second card, speaks of my desires… which confused me to no end. The Wheel of Fortune, now I have always had a thing for destiny and the future and the occult energies of the universe, but this card reversed, baffled me. According to this: my desires are not to change? Now, excuse me here, but I’m dying for a change. It also tells me to stop being a victim, act with caution and ask for help, even if it’s not need it. I think this one got mixed up and this needed to be changed, because this doesn’t make much senses about my desires… my desires are to move on, to move on also, literally. To recover all my spiritual power. To know the truth, as possible; to find new possibilities and I can go on and on.
Now, the third card it tells you what it needs to be healed: IX of Swords, what a card. This cards basically tells me that I will worry myself sick. Give me something to do and I will stop going about the issue over and over again. I know I am little persistent little shit, but I basically have nothing else to do than to figure out what the hell is going on that I’m still stuck and then I will just worry about, because everything speaks of changes and I’m blind to the apparent subtleties of the universe.
The fourth card will make you aware of your creative inspirations. Um~ this wasn’t that clear, because of the card. The VII of Pentacles is not a fast YES, or a completely positive card. It tells me I need to begin to plan for the future also that I’m for a direct change, but unless you are talking about my uncanny ability of change EVERYTHING and EVERY RULE just by the grace of setting my foot down, I don’t understand how this card refers to my creative inspirations.
On the fifth spot, we have V of Pentacles, but don’t despair, my dears, because it’s reversed, but this doesn’t tell me much about “Making plans.” I mean, this card only tells me that I have finally found life worth living and I’m putting this with extreme prejudice, because I will find worth living away, after I have new challenges and a new house that it’s entirely mine and I understand myself when I say that, I’m not referring exactly to the house. It also speaks that I will find a new source of income.
And the last card, I loved my last card that augurs my future! Except there is a catch… well, there is usually. I have the Ace of Swords. The only thing better for my plans would have been the Ace of Wands, but I have something better for this 3D and that is my II of Wands at the beginning of this reading. This basically means I have all the road paved with success, because I have all the resources to overcome all the obstacles and not only I will succeed. I have planted in me a seed of clarity and I will fin the truth. The catch is I have to use this energy for good, or it won’t be pretty. See? Always a catch.
Anyway, even if I didn’t understand the spread completely I’m very satisfied with the read. Now let’s wait for it to fulfil itself.
You know what is hilarious and kinda sad? The fact that I just realized that I wish I could hear the Other World tm, just because I don’t have friends with whom to talk in Third Dimension. That’s just pathetic and sad and also, my stomach hurts and my third eye hurt too, making all my head and neck hurt, because I have been, in the last hour; watching the Ships/Elementals or whatever in the end those light thingies were, just hang around in the mountain that face my window.
BUT, returning to the subject which I was talking about, the truth is I’m also scared SHITLESS of hearing, because of certain things that I know that really… it’s better not to stir the pot and I know that I’m probably being silly, but I have always disliked playing without all the rules and well tough luck, because incarnating this low? You have no many other options… Well, there is also my self-esteem issues and thinking: Who would want to talk to me? But honestly, that sounds too much like self-pity for me to dwell too much in that.
Ok, I have again drained A TON of energy for no aparent reason, so I should stop taking this life so serious and go and take a nap or something…
So, yesterday I couldn’t sleep, because the energies are going to kill me one of these days, basically. So, in my restless, no-sleep I was pondering, Emigration. Yeah, I know… I should have been thinking about the Universe and all its mysteries, but no luck. Emigration was all that was in my mind… I want to get out of this country, because I can’t stand the people in here, but thanks al lot universe, because today, to make everything worst I find, naively an article that speaks of the people that have Emigrated and only in the UK, that is where I have been called; they are 30.000 of people that formerly lived in this dump. Yeah, no. I don’t want to emigrate to a country with that many people that came from this… I can’t even call this Hell, because Hell is nothing like the usual acceptation in Earth of Hell. Besides if everything is right, I sort of own hell, so yeah, I would really love to return there. Everything is better than incarnating anyway.
But, we are incarnating and I have to make the best of it, because I hate ‘failing’, so yeah, kind of one of my pet-peeves. But I really, right now, don’t want to go to a place that have another 30.000 of people that are just like the aprox 28.000.000 that lives here. I refuse to go out, just to keep living the same thing, because this resentment I have for these humans would persist and stalk me to the end of the universe. It so much like this, that I could fucking run to the Virgo Constellation and I would land myself in a parallel dump like this one I live.
I don’t even have issues with the world, per se. I think third dimension is UGLY, but yesterday I was watching the space ships going through the space port I can see from my window and I thought, well, for this landscape, I don’t really want to change it. My issue is THE PEOPLE. Ok? I don’t stand people and I know, I’m human too, but fuck that… I’m like a different species of Homo Sapiens Sapiens… I might as well be a Homo Novus, getting in my high horse there right with Sheldon :S And this is what is fucking my life up, because while I keep myself in the fucking horse the universe will keep bullying me with it! What the hell do you want me to learn about being human? I’m already ONE! I don’t need to keep rubbing shoulder with this. WHICH IS THE PROBLEM, BECAUSE APPARENTLY THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS.
Fuck me, how is this even my life? But, seriously: I DON’T WANT TO GO ANY-FUCKING-WHERE ELSE IF I AM GOING TO KEEP LIKE I AM RIGHT NOW. *Shudders of thinking about it*.
I really want to go and live in the UK, because that was where Witchcrafting sort of took off, so that will offer me some guarantees that I can develop that side of me, without much issues, but I would much rather go to the Greenland’s. God, live in the Greenland, where Winter is a given? I would live in the North Pole if I could, but I really cannot give the internet up. I don’t want to either!
This predicament is SO STUPID, that I would like to insert here a :First World Problems: Meme, because that it’s what I sound like, right now; a spoilt child that didn’t get the lasted IPhone for its birthday, but an Android.
I love London, I loved every single step of it when I was there, it was really like returning home, but with my luck (that doesn’t exists). The Correlation Laws of the Universe and the Programs/Challenges in my archive, I’m like fucked, because I will keep attracting this sort of people and, let’s say I miraculously get a Karma Houdini and I HAVE NEVER TO FIND ANOTHER ONE FROM VENEZUELA. They are still the eighty percent of the human population that are just unsupportable mundanes… which will just be like falling into the same vicious circle.
Am I making any sense to you? I understand myself VERY WELL inside my head, but I don’t think I’m making too much sense, while writing these words.
Well, what I said myself last night to allow myself to sleep was that I just need to have faith and believe that everything will just happen in harmony and as well as impossibly could. So, I should just put my head to rest and forget about it.
Also, I’m really upset about the reputation I am going to have in another country, because EVERYBODY hates Venezuelans… seriously, the bad-rep we have is STUPID, of course, I’m an alien, but reputation doesn’t work like that, one look at my passport or my past and things can go south, quickly. I’m working on it, though. [drama queen mood ON] I will go out without that FEAR, even if I lose my life in the process [drama queen mood OFF]
I think I will just keep “praying”. My version of it and trust in myself and the Source that everything will be in perfect order and harmony, because if not; I can feel myself heading towards a break down…
You know what it’s really fucked up? I have the issue where I most certainty don’t care about “Love”, but I also don’t feel ‘deserving’ of it? Which means subconsciously the only thing I want is love? Wait-what? That troll logic of the Universe, honestly. So, this is my first post of the year and I have to say: do you remember the little I wrote about the amazing year this year was going to be? No? Never you mind, because I’m at nothing to take that back. I began to year with a Energy Flu that was the worst-thing-ever, the energies almost sent me through a manic breakdown and not happy with all that, the future is so blurry I might as well do as Oedipus and gauge my eyes with a fork. So, I literally KNOW NOTHING. Yes , YOU KNOW NOTHING JOHN SNOW! LOL, that was the last episode I saw of Game of Thrones.
I was going to speak of my issues with Love and not really wanting it, but neither feeling ‘deserving’ of receiving it? Must be my soul conflicting again. I want somebody whom is very ADEPT at reading the Tarot, yeah, I definitively have one of those, but I want a new perspective and this person already knows me. This stupid shift of Time-Lines is driving me insane. Can we just stay in one time line and be happy? And to the people raising those stupid barriers, STOP! And get a fucking life! It stopped being funny in October.
I have absolutely no idea of what I will do with my life beyond: I will live in London, this life or another… I lie, I don’t think I want to come back to this Earth, EVER. Never say from this water I shan’t drink, because that like a challenge to the fucking Universe, but hey? What can you do? I still have no fucking idea what the Matrix Soul was thinking, but I won’t even be considering this issue an hour from now, so never you mind. The situation in this country is… cannot be called a situation anymore, but a fucking train-wreck. I’m really hoping for the massive bloodshed, the military curfew and everything else that has been promised to explode, but never actually happened. I really don’t care if I’m there with the victim, I just say if you are going to kill me, just do it quickly, why suffering? That’s not part of my personality combo of sado-masochism.
Oh look! There is a vulture on my line sight, that’s my pal Yogi-vulture. Curious, how I never incarnated as a animal, I can’t explain why I cannot ‘relate’ because I can’t find another word to animals, I thought my Matrix Soul issues were directly with “Humans”? I think we have a pretty grave mistake with those stories, would love to know the real one or how I can concatenate everybody. You know what the problem is with all these theories I have managed to composite? That it will always have a human-centric and that’s just ridiculous that such hard ‘war’ for such a stupid principle. Unless the problem was not the “Humans” but I want to be the New God of all Creation? No, I don’t think so. But seriously, I find it ridiculous to have thrown such Temper-Tantrum, because you weren’t daddy’s favourite anymore, not counting that Why Humans? There are out there in the infinite universe, infinitive races… I don’t see what’s the issue with the human.
You know what would be awesome? To read other people’s folklore to see if there is someone else that agrees that humans were to receive a preferential trait in creation, preferable from someone of ANOTHER “ONE UNIVERSE”. Because as far as I heard, we, humans have been nothing but a nuisance to a lot of races out there, but then it begs the questions, why are so many races so dead set to “help us” or “destroy us”? It makes absolutely no sense, unless this is part of a much bigger puzzle, where we just decided to fuck each other, because without conflict there is no life, which plainly sucks…
I was going to speak of everything, but what I am currently writing, I don’t even have freedom to stay in script. Oh… what the hell?
So, what I’m looking forward for this year?
See how the fuck the energies will move so I can get out of this country.
See the cluster fuck that is about to come to this country. Let’s slosh in the blood.
ASDDGFHJKLL~~~~!!! Whatever, I’m going to take a nap, because I’m getting nowhere… ASDOJFAODSJFG…
It’s not that I’m wishing him death. No, I’m serious. It’s just his death will bring a vertiginous change to everything that I cannot wait for it to happen, the status-quo must be broken. It might be my diabolical ascendancy, or something, because of thinking it my blood rush and the adrenaline gets pumped in my system. I know it’s wrong, I know I’m going to regret my words, because reasons, but seriously, the more I think about it (and it’s not like I think about this, constantly) the giddier I get. It might be the psychopath in me, but after YEARS of this feelings of castration, death is the only option to my eyes… sure, he could reconsider and make me free and make everything even, but with me thinking “ain’t gonna happen.” There is only one option that remains…
Well, no… if the future holds, then with money in my hands, I leaving this god’s forsaken life behind to begin with my new challenges… these ones are getting old.
Also, people that thinks that being gay is Satanic and a evil plan for Satan to conquer the world… what the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously, I’m infinitely curious to know who the fuck is giving that information and I would like to stop trying to get into my head and trying to change my mind, because I suffer from low self-esteem and sometimes I doubt myself, even if I always have been this way. Seriously, seriously, this attack to my person is getting annoying, but I suppose I just have to weather the attack to my person, until the relationship dies, because… incompatible is not the right word for what is happening. I WANT TO MARRY A WOMAN DAMN IT! I already own hell, what the fuck is the worst that could happen? It’s not a fucking challenge, Universe!
I recently live conflicted and my mind is not helping me. Seriously, mind… you are supposed to be my ally, not hindering me with annoying things that does not matter! The hell that anything of that is going to help me to sort through my 3D life and fuck it… these days I’m hoping that Nietzsche was right and fuck souls and creationism…
I want a friendship that cannot be screwed over, at least in the spiritual realm… because this new group, Jesus Christ, metaphorically. I can’t live like that. *sigh* *faceplam* I want someone to talk about this situation I’m going through, and that understands about witchcraft and curse jobs and Archangels and divine hierarchy and doesn’t think I’m insane nor just humours me… I NEED A KINDRED SOUL! This is absurd… I have people that I can speak about and I can’t… what the fuck are we playing, life?
Bleh, whatever, I have so much to say, but will it change something? No.
Blegh, blegh, blegh… whatever…
I went to a really nice lady that reads Tarot. I know I never have to much faith, but right now I’m so hopelessly hoping that I never lose faith, what has been predicted is going to come, no matter what. I want this to be truth like nothing before. The cards opened, without me asking or anything, and I didn’t even had this in my mind. To skittish about the black magical attack I suffered… I’m hoping that is a thing of the past, also. But the point is, this lady tells me, out of the blue and out of nowhere; that she sees me emigrating next year, period. This is already in movement and next year, I’m away and happily in another country. Where? It was not stated. I threw some options, none where confirmed, but it’s a destination I will LOVE. Gods… I want this so badly, my heart inflates with only thinking about it! She told me I would be extremely productive, I would find love; I would finally have my so sought Group of Friends. I decree this will be. I’m silent and in a cooperative state.
Because I’m always going to heaven, crying. I’m searching another Great Card Reading, to get the confirmation to what I’ve already been told. Hey! The more you tell something, the quicker it becomes true, innit? This Psychic I found, scares me a little, because It seems to focus too much on everything that is wrong, but I supposed, I was told everything that is good, now I need the stones in my way to dodge them, like a sir! MATRIX style.
Some things that I knew, where confirmed, which relieves me and puts me in a uncomfortable position at the same time. I’m not sure if I wanted to be wrong. But the truth is that I’m seldom wrong. What can I tell you? This sensation is too strong to be my imagination. And I am one of those people that the more you push, the harder I will resist the push. I don’t know… ORZ « that’s my emoticon respecting this situation.
I’m ridiculously curious where the money will come for me to go away. Well, I have many ideas, but I see many of them too far away, never you mind. Silent and cooperative is the MOTTO.
Apparently I will be invited to a wedding (?) that threw my off centre.
I will also enter in a short relationship with a woman, whom I have not met, yet; before emigrating. This woman will be not so Spiritual as I am, but she will be in this world. I’m not sure if the Lady was referring that she will not be as “powerful” as I am… but… that comes difficult, unless I partner myself with another Archangel or something? I’m still on the fence with that one… when I see my power present on me, I shall believe… but these things are usually on reserve. Believe to See, oh life…
I will recover and my spiritual power, SOON.
All the Karmas I have been battling with these Dearly Beloveds will be settled.
There is a woman in my life, whom loves me; on a platonic way, very much. I’m still thinking whom can that be. Hey UNIVERSE! I need confirmation or explanation about this two women that appeared in the cards. Are the ones I think they are? I don’t have many options, anyway.
Other things were told, but they don’t need to be put in here. I have them present and I have my eyes open!