The first thing I am going to say is:
I would have like to have found out about this… when I was a few years older and yes, maybe it would have not made that much of a difference, but with the changes currently interjecting in my life, I don’t think this news helped with the instability. Not that I feel unstable or maybe I do feel unstable, I’m on the fence of ambivalence in my life, right now… waiting for so many promised changes or the proofs thereof. Also, I will laugh to FUCKING DEATH if I find out that I was just kidding myself. I will be endlessly amused by the fact that I was able to believe such thing.
I have been doubting to even speak or write about this, because well… people already think I’m crazy, but this is a whole new level of craziness, even for me; to assure and to assume such monumental discover in my life… ego and what the fuck are you talking about, you crazy bitch? But it seems I do will speak about this, vaguely, if only to have a record that it happened… be it wrong or right.
You know how Archangels are incarnating in flesh and blood? Well, apparently and supposedly I’m one of those and which of them I am, you ask? Well… if you don’t mind, I will keep the name to myself. But it explains SO MUCH about my life… beginning for my insistence that I can’t be another thing: but blond and blue eyed, no, seriously. I am, recently; more accepting in my current third dimensional body… but sometimes, mostly in the past, I think I just got over it: I can’t believe I have brown hair and brown eyes, well, now I know why. It also explains the litigant and less stellar circumstances in my life.
It also explains why I’m rather plain in this life. Teachings in humility, anybody? I am not amused. I need to learn to be normal? Or humble? Whatever, I mean, I do consider myself a humble person and it’s not like I live towering and lording over people, for god’s sake. So what? Do I have to live what it is to pass unperceived or something?
What it’s hard to swallow it’s to be the incarnation of an Archangel and life such mundane life… do you know what I mean? Let me explain, sure, I have had some ‘traumas’ in my life, but not something that screams: OH MY GOD PRIMARY ESSENCE OF THE UNIVERSE, PASSING BY! I just live a pretty mundane life… but it may be, because nobody is that willing to put up or mess of with me or I’m not that willing to put myself through suffering, the coward! *BA DUM TSSS* Honestly, I think about it and I laugh, desperately want to believe, believe and tell myself I’m an idiot; ALL at the same time, I’m in the middle of a very quiet breakdown.
It also explains why I cannot enter the Akashic Records… OH GOD, I suddenly have a clear desperation to leave third dimension, ASAP. DESPAIR. *Headdesk, Headdek, HEADDESK* I really want a more convincing confirmation. I still don’t see the correlation with the rainbow, BY THE WAY, just saying.
I’m such a competitive little shit.
And I began to do others things and forgot about this post. Well, shit happens.
PS: If somebody reading this can do me the favour of confirming this information, I would be so very grateful XDU
I’m watching this video of Louise Hay, I have known about her ethereally for a long time. I could have done the workshop, but I don’t think I would have reacted well to it, but the stupid thing is that now I’m regretting not having taken that chance, but no… it’s never too late. And the information arrived right now, because Source time is perfect. I’m also pretty impatient as everybody knows, which is the root cause of all my problems xDU. I have also noticed that I have this thing with changing people and maybe not in the best way, because I’m sorta cruel and to your face, but I have changed a lot of people.
In this video Louise explains that you have to forgive and maybe one of the ways to do it, it’s to look back and get to know the people who surrounds you:
My biological father died before I was out of my mother’s womb. He never hurt me. I can watch him without tarnishing him with being human. He abandoned me, of course, but… I don’t have any particular opinion about him. Can I say, I forgive you? The problem is I don’t feel there is anything to forgive, for some reason…
My biological mother… well, she is clingy, needy, she is hysteric and nervous. She is also a very YOUNG soul, her life has not been the best, her relationships have not been the best, she was never married to the love of her life, dying as he died. Next husband was an abusive jerk, but the truth is… I don’t know her and I’m not interested in knowing her, because she gave me life and probably I’m grateful for that, but I’m not, right now; and I don’t feel like there is something to forgive, sure she could take her intensity down a notch, but whatever.
My father, the real one… the one I have to stand in third dimension: I won’t even deign myself to write everything that is wrong with that man and maybe I’m telling this from ego, but fuck it. Thinking on his story, I don’t know him… yes, it’s a trend with me, I don’t really know or care about those who I decided are my current family. This man was born in the forties. Misogyny everybody? I’m not surprised he hates his mother… was she the one whom left him? Or was his father? I don’t know and now I’m curious, because why does he hates women? And he does, you don’t have this trail of affairs if you loved whom you are with. He was poor, before he took off. And that’s all I know. To be honest, sure, there is a lot to forgive, but right now? I just think of him and I say: you poor bastard, what the hell are you doing with your life? So I feel pity and I shrug and I can just have faith that one day I won’t even have to remember him, because I will be far, far away and in the end he will be completely forgiven and inconsequential.
My mother, the one I have to stand day-to-day. She was born in the forties, she is ignorant; she can barely read, she doesn’t understand what is happening in front of her eyes. She can fucking channel and she does nothing with the information. She married to a man whom betrayed her and she is bounded to him forever more, because even if she can sew and cook and who knows what else, she is not prepared to take on the world alone, let’s not even speak that she is going to enter her eighth decade. What’s the point, right? NO. But that’s no my problem, seriously, it’s not. Sure, there is a lot to forgive. It is me? The fact that she loves better the children of her daughter or is a mixture of the fact that I’m a daughter of a son? I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Maybe she can’t, it’s not able to relate with me, so there is a veil or a separation. But after I forgive her, she is inconsequential; I can’t learn anything else from her. Don’t be an idiot, study; don’t be submissive, have a second plan, don’t bound yourself to a man; have some self-esteem, and etc… but she really didn’t teach me anything, not even how to cook, because while I was suffering trying to make the food to taste good enough, she was never there and the moment I learned how to ‘fend’ for myself, she disappeared all together and I keep evidencing it every day. If her other children (be it literal or metaphorical) don’t require her services: “I don’t know what you are going to eat today.” I just smile and tell her: it doesn’t matter, food will come. And I tell her soul or her higher self that I forgive her, because only by observation I knew what I shouldn’t do with my life, that dependency I still have, it’s because I’m to lazy to beat it. I don’t want to just leave everything and begin anew, even if I am quite sure I will never suffer or lack of anything important.
My other role-mother, oh boy, this is so long that I don’t even want to write it. I know about this one quite a lot, but maybe not enough. Hindsight is 20/20 and I don’t understand her choices at all. You know what you can’t do? Adopt a fucking child and then have your own children and abandon or have preference for your biological spawns, that’s not how it works… this still affects me, I’m not sure what I’m thinking that it makes this situation constant in my life, but she tries to download her problems and issues on my, I don’t allow her to do that of course, but she tries. I have spoken with her soul or higher self or whatever before, but it stills affects me. I told her she was a fucking bitch, because she lives her life hurting me, but never you mind, because apparently I was the one whom asked her to hurt me. But still, you normally don’t have the right to take me as you own child and then have a preference for your biological ones, whom the hell do you think you are? Then I remember that she is a very young nubile and soul, that I’m a very special individual (soul) that she and I don’t have anything in common, that she taught me how to be in time and not to ignore people. Because, she does it to me all the time; I just don’t care anymore and I just cock my eyebrow and wait for her to come back to me and if she doesn’t, then I will try to solve the problem by myself, don’t give time to those who don’t deserve it. I already had this conversation with her soul, I don’t need to repeat it. I supposed I will have to repeat a thousand time more: I’m sorry, please; forgive me, thank you, I love you. Until she rest inconsequential in my life too.
Her husband and her children. I hope the universe wouldn’t take on my vibration of: I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE A FIERY DEATH SO I CAN HAVE MY REVENGE AND DANCE UPON YOUR BURNING CORPSES. But, there’s no such thing. So I supposed I will just have to repeat: I’m sorry please forgive me thank you I love you a million times, until they rest inconsequential in my life. Because I only care about them, insofar as they become a nuisance in my life, like the A/C debacle which is getting better or the car debacle, but if they one day were to disappear and you ask me about it, I would probably would say: Oh yeah… those nuisances? Those mosquitoes in my life? I don’t know. But I supposed that for that to happen, I have to forgive them TOTALLY and UNCONDITIONALLY. I wish this process would be quicker… really they are ants under my foot, but still; ants can bite and annoy you, taking space and damaging little things that before you notice: it has taken over your frigging life!
My biological half-brother… I’m not sure how I feel about him. I don’t know him, at all… with him, I have like a ethereal notion that he exists, but I’m not sure what’s up with him… and right now I’m not sure if there is something to forgive. Noup, what it’s coming to my mind I can’t say if it’s me inventing things or if it’s the truth… do I resent him because he has a mother 24/7? I’m not sure. I’m sorry please forgive me thank you I love you, because it never hurts… but I don’t want that mother I described three paragraph above… so, I don’t know, I need to investigate more on this…
My father’s out-of-wedlock children. It’s like my biological half-brother, sure… they are a nuisance of the ‘her husband and her children’ variety, but I don’t relate myself with them… sure in the past I would have said there is something to forgive, because I was protecting them instead of them protecting me, but right now? I think that I got over it… why? Well, because I don’t know anything about them and I know they exists, because they vibrate sometimes on the voice of another. Seriously, they eventually just became inconsequential, which is what I want to happen with the people I have written above.
Luckily for me, that’s it. There are no partners, no friends, no nothing else… which is like a mercy really, but I have my hands full with these few. I will just keep working, I guess and before I know it, I will be in England or in Denmark or in the Arctic or whatever, enjoying myself and this will be nothing more than a memory that doesn’t hurt or bother anymore. It has to be, because one day be it today or tomorrow or ten years from now, I will be wiser and my troubles will be over, because I have seen the differences, from example: where I depended on my ‘other mother’ to go anywhere, then the subway came like a fucking blessing that I can tell no matter what, how much blessing it was in my life to be able to move around the city by myself, be it in public transportation or even on my own two feet, it was a fucking blessing really, now I have a car… see how things change to better things?
It’s just a matter of time, before things move even more forward and the universe is always in expansion and new creation, so I also will expand myself until the day I change dimensions and graduate, finally. Well, or I do hope I graduate. Of course I will XD.
PS: completely unrelated. I WANT TO ENTER THE AKASHIC RECOOOOOOOOORDSSSSS!
You know what it fucks me up? The fact that… we are more like My Little Pony than real humans, let me explain… I’m speaking about the ‘Cutie Marks’. In the end, everybody is special and that makes angry. Or not… I cannot be angry like this anymore, it’s like I lost the ability since I have been healing, but it did put me down a little, because I cannot feel depression either. It’s weird, but people like me should understand.
People doesn’t seem to notice, but everybody can do everything. Like, for example, I had this recital in school, it was not the Choral of the school, it was just my classroom and the teacher didn’t want to teach, so she said one day: let’s do a choir recital and thus, we didn’t learn anything else since that day onward. The issue was… that people complained, of course, because they did not want to sing, because not everybody could sing in tune, WRONG, sure… at the beginning everything was an unmitigated disaster, to the point where the people that knew how to sing, proposed that we sang most of the song and the rest just accompanied us in the choir, but in the end? The thing was like a real choir, seriously… we could compete with whomever we wanted. It was harmonious, it was nice… and those people didn’t know how to sing and it was proven they didn’t know how to sing, it was horrible, but with a little bit of practice? And I mean, a little… we practice two hours A WEEK, alright? that’s how little we needed to practice for this…
And like this, same thing with painting and electronics and… whatever the hell you can think. And it pisses me off, or would, if I could… I know other people’s accomplishments shouldn’t make mines less, but let’s cut the crap, we are human and the fact that I can sing and paint and be good at technology, means nothing in the great scale of things, because everyone can do it with a modicum price of practising two hours a week. WHAT?!
I’m not joking… these skills (really half-skills) I have, are really something ingrained in the human mind or something. Hard science in the other hand? It’s maybe because Hard Science are not originally hard-wired, I mean, chemistry was invented by man, whilst signing is something everybody can do, because everybody (or almost everybody) has a voice. Do you get me on this? Or I’m being silly again? So I can’t really feel proud of what I do when, first: there always will be someone that will be better than I am in everything I do, and second? Everybody can do what I do… Look at this point of view: I am good in everything that has been proven EVERYBODY can do with no time at all. Painting, Writing (communicating), Signing, Languages, etc… I mean what the fuck does it mean “You are good with language?” threw any bastard to a new country, not speaking the language and trust me, it shall be learn, no matter what. This is not a skill, to be good with language, this… just… stuff everybody can do. And that disturbs me. Because if everybody is special?
See what I mean? Everybody is special: everybody is related to Jesus Christ or has Royal blood, or belongs to the soul family of whatever. Everybody has the same potential, apparently. And I don’t like that, that’s sounds communist, if everybody is special in some way then we are all equals and WTF? I don’t want to keep thinking about this, anymore. :( yes, sad face for you life!
Pay attention and you will notice this too. Everybody can actually levitate things and see ghosts and have a telepathic connexion with anybody. Everything that makes me special, for example; doesn’t make me special at all because everybody can do it, how much of a downer is that?! Bah, whatever, that is why I don’t like relations of any kind. And I don’t want to keep talking about this…
Today the day began slow, and then it became a marvellous day. I was in a workshop and we were cleaning Prosperity, Abundance and those kind of things, nothing worth mentioning happened, until the teacher told me that I was the Twin Flame of the God of Earth, of this Earth and that shook my world and I’m in such state of dichotomy it’s ABSURD. I know this will last, as usual; NOTHING, but tonight I’m in that subject and that’s how it is, but… I’m really, really conflicted, you know? I have these self-esteem problems, where I don’t really feel deserving of this AMAZING thing I just discovered and while I would like to tell you the whole history, there truth is… I won’t, cuz… that’ too much of a drag and I’m still conflicted, as you might imagine.
Of course, this… I have decided to call them Dearly Beloveds, almost damaged my day, but it was over it, of course, I’m not as good as I was before the stuff, but I’m GREAT. Our building was with some Brujería work, where some stuff where crossed (the building) and a nice person, a friend, I hope… helped me to do it and we not only did that to my building, but also de the funerary company that is surrounding us. It was amazing, I cried like a girl and these souls were so elated, but also SO SAD, it was really heart-breaking. T^T yeah, that’s my face, but I am really happy.
I’m not sure if everything we now know, it’s true, but I don’t care… I really feel great with myself, like seldom before also, if I wanted confirmation, well, after everything was said and done, a storm came down pouring, it was… very cleansing… I have been trying to get to rain FOR AGES with minimum results, and now this happens so blatantly? I am SO HAPPY AND GRATEFUL, really, I am. It was really amazing. I was at first kind ambivalent and I was pretty set in some thoughts and in receive information, but well, I might not have gotten what I wanted, but I certainty received what it was needed and why not? I needed.
Of course, tis a long way from the absolute win, but after this it has to BE easier. Even the air conditioning seems purer, somehow…
Oh fuck… Oh fuck… ASDFGHJKL! Holy Crap! Abandonment? Seriously?
Alright, let me start from the beginning.
I was watching a video of AskTeal, where she was speaking about Negative Imprints and Life Purposes. I think it’s the first time I have received such a direct answer from my mind or whoever it was that gave me the answer, I’m still amazed by it. I mean, I literally didn’t even close my eyes and thought to much when the word that came was ABANDONMENT. Because, it’s sad, but true, that my life have been a series of people and things abandoning me and it is amazing how things kinda begin to make sense… don’t know about the promised changes, but I’m quickly going to clean Abandonment with SRT, ASAP.
Wow, I’m still impressed… I mean, before I was born my biological father left me by dying. Then four years later my mother gives me away to have a ‘better life’ which is greatly debatable, but I honestly DON’T CARE about that anymore. Then, my first “best friend” (I have never have a best friend, I just have my best friend who has a best friend, does it make sense this? I mean, it is mine, but I have never been them’s). Leaves me, because we were changed of sections in primary school and she didn’t care to follow through with our friendship, wow that sucked… she got over it quickly, I don’t think she missed me at all, me not being her you important friend and now there is not a single vestige of that relationship. I don’t know if in between my mother giving me away and this pseudo “best friend” doing it, something happened, but I don’t have any memories of me, before that time. Maybe it did, with be being the one forced to abandon, I did moved to another city, but nobody probably cared that much.
Then, my next “best friend” again, read this term with extreme prejudice; left me, because her mother thought I was a satanic witch and my best friend was a moronic sheep from the flock, so she heeded her mother or who knows? Maybe she believed it, too. Then one of the most flaky “best friends’ I have had, promised me that we would always be in touch after High School, yeah right… but I wasn’t expecting any different, I was just a person that randomly left her world to get into his. Then my other “best friend” whom I actually call Mother, even today, our close relationship was relegated to mere random comments on Facebook, I actually explained to her that I was always ended being left by people, every four years; she told me she would never left me. Oh boy, if she left me or not, that is still debatable.
Then there is this… not best friend… more like “only friend”, so I don’t have much of a choice, but to come back to it. Curious, how four years had passed and while the relationship is not as close as once was it still pretty tightly knitted if we compare with the other relationships I have had in my life, but I think this person probably has some issue of his own to clean through me. So our relationship had not hit rock bottom, because of that.
Following the subject in any particular order: my surrogate father had never been there except to give money, my surrogate mother had never been there if I compare how she is with her own children. All the people that had promised to help me, never come through. I have never had a partner and thanks god, can you imagine how painful it would be if I loved someone and this someone left me one day without a single note or worst? *shivers*… I supposed I can stay here for HOURS listing everything that my Negative Imprint has brought to my life, but I won’t… because it does not matter anymore, past is in the past, it cannot be change it can only be accepted, integrated and erase the pain and emotions, so it’s just really, past.
So, after finding this Negative Imprint, you are supposed to find its opposite, which supposedly leads you to your life purpose… so what’s mine: Be Cherished? Be accepted? Be supported? Be approved? (I really, don’t think this is what I want, I have never wanted anybody’s approval, but what do I know?). Allowed?
Well… given that we only can life in the present, eventually we will see what the hell this will lead to.
Today I celebrated my first “Esbat”, but duly note those quotations, because I’m not sure what I’m actually doing and with this ritual I don’t feel anything. I mean, I cast the circle (all by myself of course). Then I made the Unity Breath meditation, then I did the stuff with drawing with your left hand, but again, it was just nonsense. Also, candles in a room? That the WORST thing ever. Also, incense sticks? I can’t weather them x.x. They make me very miserable.
I made tons of mistakes with the invocations and I pointed the Athame to the goddess, but apparently in this ritual you can do that, but I was told not to do that? I supposed it’s whatever floats your boat. But for the first time… it was just… stuff. Also, I was beginning to feel drained, again. Do you know what I did the day after the first class? No? Being unable to stand up for my bed, feeling that my eyes couldn’t stay open, in fact that scared me and bothered me a little, because I have no idea of what the hell happened :S
To be honest, I am not a person of carefully following rituals and repeat this? Um~ I’m not that sure… I mean, I brought the candles and made the cloth… but I don’t feel that connexion with this kind of ‘magic’. You know what I am thinking? Maybe in this life I’m not meant to develop magic in its full extent… also, do you know what I don’t like of magic in the third dimension? It’s not flashy enough. I want beams of colours and pretty particles surrounding me, just like Harry Potter. Urgh~ my legs hurt… also, I’m not sure I will get initiated in this and if I do, I don’t think I will be using this that much. Probably I will just go there and forget about it. Though, if you get initiated, you sort of bind yourself to this. I don’t like doing Communitarian Service, I didn’t do it in High School or College to now do it in here. I’m just in for the magic and the rituals and the potential reconnection with my abilities, not everything else… that seems the only thing I will be getting.
I have to admit that I was about to cry when I opened the circle. Don’t ask me why, I have no idea. I really didn’t feel a think when I cast the circle, so… *shrugs*
You know what I feel right now? Another full moon? I don’t think so. God, again my throat is bothering me, it’s the incense and the candles. *headdesk, headdesk, headdesk* I really don’t want to be a quitter, but seventy per cent of me? Wants not to go to the second class. Oh god… I really need help. I do suppose I shall burn all the candles that VERY EXPENSIVE they are. Seriously, my life in this country don’t allow me to make those sort of expenses without calling You-Know-Who and asking for that money? That’s one awkward conversation, dude.
Definitively, this rituals doesn’t make me feel good and peaceful. I’m tired, in pain and uncomfortable. I think the wires got crossed, when I was recommended I followed this path with such a high number. Oh god please, I hope tomorrow will not be a repetition of Thursday.
Well, nothing else is noteworthy, so I will just finish this and go and sleep I guess.
You know this new workshop I was moderately excited to begin? Yes, that was me being Moderately Excited…
It was an unmitigated disaster. Well, no… that’s just me being a Drama Queen.
I won’t judge this workshop, by its first class, but in my woes you can find:
I didn’t resonate with anything in the workshop.
I didn’t feel anything.
I felt SO unwelcomed, it was IMPOSSIBRU.
I learnt nothing I didn’t know and what I didn’t, I didn’t care one single bit.
Most of the so called students were LATE. ESPECIALLY THE TEACHER, I mean, WHAT THE HELL, TEACHER?
I was chewed out because I offered a correct metaphor.
I was cold.
I was uncomfortable.
My virus/maladi worsened.
TOO MANY STUDENTS and not ENOUGH ROOM.
This workshop was all my academic pet-peeves/nightmares mixed together and MORE.
Urgh……… excuse moi, s’il te plait…
On the other hand, because I have to put positives things in this post:
I didn’t get lost. It was kinda easy to arrive and even if the parking was kinda expensive, because I decided to go with VIP.
It was also very easy to go home, even if I didn’t know where I was going and it was dark.
There were no reactive energies, so while not particularly thrilled with anybody, I didn’t feel like killing anybody, which counts as a win.
I did get Samhain. I don’t know how, because that’s the one I wanted to get, but I got it.
I need to have words with you, Higher Self, infinite… 95%? Seriously? Seriously Higher Self? I think I know what I’m going to be taught in this workshop and I’m telling you, I don’t like that prospect one single bit. But, seriously Higher Self, what in all heavens where you doing telling me I was going to enjoy this in such a higher percentage when so far I’m willing to give you a three per cent of that number and that three is the idle prattle we did, when we where only six and the beginning of the class while everybody decided to arrived thousands of hours late.
On another swell of bad news, I lost my goblet… fuck, I hope that shits reappears.
Tons of people wash out, yeah… let’s give it the six months I paid for… it’s a good thing this is only once a month.
I will stop listing all the reasons why I thought it was a good idea listening to my Higher Self… yes I’m being sarcastic.
Jesus Christ almighty…
I’m going to return to watch Sakura Card Captor…
Yeah, shut up…
Alright, here is the thing. Have had happened to any of you before you immediately regretted deeply to sent or say something? I usually get so excited I don’t read anything and then… PLAF! Foot meet mouth… and I’m writing this as catharsis. Apparently I am going to do a Wiccan Workshop. Figures that I would end in this road, who would have thought? Right? There is one thing I don’t like one bit, but I suppose, Reiki and Merkaba with all of that, because the workshop is from 6 to 9 PM, yep, we need to go to the Millennium Mall to class, god, I’m so not liking this going alone at night, but, I need to lose that fear, because I am 25 years old and if I want to make a workshop at the frigging dawn then I will. Honestly, these fears totally help, but they can’t keep in a cocoon, because that’s ridiculous. Well, my head wrecker is that I hope they ignore the wording in the mail, because for making everything quickly and not reading well, then I put the most stupid and obnoxious phrase known to mankind.
I just read wrong and I always make a storm in a teacup, honestly. I know it’s nothing and they will just ignore it, I just decide to be this silly about things that doesn’t matter, well… I’ll update you, even if you don’t care if I make it to the course and I will probably will be talking about it, even if I don’t force myself to do it.
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! I’m just. SCREEEEEAM! This is too exciting! FINALLY!
Yesterday, because why not? I decided install a Merkaba well, I would say external, but apparently when you use that term you are speaking of the artificial merkaba and this is just a copy you can program and put it elsewhere, but the point is that I programmed it so in my bed or in that space gravity would be 0 (no gravity) and that polarity would be neutral or no polarity. My stomach didn’t agree with me and I know I must have uninstalled the thing unconsciously, becasue for the life of me I couldn’t fall asleep. It was really weird, but at the same time it was really cool, though XD. It also gave me a really weird headache, so I suppose that I will be sleeping in normal gravity and polarity for now xD.
I feel kinda cheated. I don’t think you know, but this weekend I did the second level of Sacred Geometry and of course, I went to the workshop with so low expectation that it was kinda more than I was waiting, but still… anyway, I went to the course completely forewarned, so the shock was not that bad… but what I feel kinda cheated was that the kernel of the Second Level, I stayed with SO MANY DOUBTS I feel as if I had not attended the workshop at all. I know, I know… this was the only thing you needed to receive from that and yiala, yiala, but I call bullshit, if the workshop was to teach you how to put Buddist Columns, program your Merkaba and whatever else it was you were offered, the least you could do was to actually practice once or twice. But… OH~ NOOO~ we like, wandered around for most of the day and the last half hour was what we dedicated to actually learn what we went to learn… Oh God, why does this things keep happening to me? What’s there to learn? Don’t go to workshops? That’s absurd… besides, it’s not like there are these many people in Venezuela teaching about Sacred Geometry or Merkaba activation. I mean, sure… Unitary Reiki sort of give you a sometimes there Merkaba, but well… that’s not the point.
I found particularly annoying: when we actually went to do the thing, suddenly the teacher turned around and sent all my concentration to hell, I don’t even know what the hell they were talking about after the meditation. I was like thinking about putting a Merkaba to my car when suddenly the teacher was telling us: hey! We have to put a Merkaba in whatever… it was on a tomb… if you are interested. I put the thing in the top of a frigging mountain, nice one Liu… *roll eyes*. I am so lost, wool-gathering in this world; well… I did give permission to use my energy as fit. I didn’t specify, so maybe it was redirected to that mountain, who knows?
Another thing that happened in the meditation was that I suddenly was thinking: “Let’s erase everything, because reasons.” And those were not really my thoughts, but then when I was, wait! That’s not…! I decided to keep going and from there was when all the meditation went to hell, ‘cuz I can see shit in my mind and if I can see it, then I lose the image ASAP, let’s not speak of the fact that I feel more comfortable writing; so can you imagine that I have to hold a screen in my mind that holds three lines of text and I have to actually read the text in the screen? That’s… that’s too advance for my visualization powers right now.
For some reason, all my shoulders/neck area HURTS like hell.
What I did feel in this workshop was that something snapped and all good. I mean, like some of the “protections” I had in my “powers” suddenly weren’t there and I could actually use them, but I don’t put much faith into it. My horoscope has been stalking me, it’s kinda impressing. So yeah, I could feel again how I felt when I was younger, but I won’t jump with my EUREKA! just yet.
As usual I was harassed until say NO MORE! and for the first time in my life I was called: “Flaca” for those of you who doesn’t know what that is, that’s a person whom is slim, very slim. I took my by surprise and I don’t know how I feel about that. It made me feel really good though, I know that much. I also was called a ‘Baby Genius’. I just smiled, thanked and then inside myself I just told myself: I FUCKING WISH! u_u They dish the word Genius pretty easy these days.
What else? In the harassment department: I was every time almost yelled at to stop using the word “BUT”. I also was told to shut up, or stop the mental chatter so I could listen to myself, whatever that meant. I also was told very Snape-like, clean and empty your mind and Harry, I feel your pain bro, ’cause I have no idea how to shut up and listen to myself. Among other things… honestly, it’s like a broken record I should listen to, but honestly, if I knew what I had to do, I would do it, really, I swear… well, I don’t, but you know… I mean, I can stop the mental chatter for fifteen minutes a the time, but even if I stop it for an hour I doubt it will make much difference. ASDFGHJKL! Excuse me while I summarise my frustration. I feel really attacked, but I know that’s my own ego and blah, blah, blah, I have heard it all before, at least I was not alone… but the thing is it was more intense with myself. I don’t know if it’s becasue I cannot just hide in the corner and I have to sprout stuff with my know-it-all personality, but my god… seriously.
I don’t want to keep writing about this, so I wont.