You know what it’s fucker up? The fact that after I deep clean myself spiritually speaking… the moment I leave my room, is AWFUL… yes. in capitals. So you can’t stay clean and if you don’t get clean there is when things begins to go wrong. Also you can’t clean every day because whatever you do, will sort of stop working… I suppose it has something to do with ‘ritualistic’ and ‘sacred’ but not like you are thinking.
So… what’s the third option!? I’d love to know. I’m not sure, but everything on a mostly internal level is wrong and… the envioroment still keeps the same. It’s annoying feeling that nothing is its proper place whe evrythimg else is so static that you keep wondering what the fuck is hapening, because this can’t be right.
Yesterday I was feeling like hell and it was one of the two days I have a full working-day and while at five hours it was still manageable at eight hours I was ready to quit and just die there.
I have months, like… we are in June? Well I have six months without rest… of course I sleep, sometimes I sleep so much it worries me, but I will wake up tired and look at the ugly world where I live and ask myself and to Higher me: What the fuck where we thinking? Because if I came here for not reason in particular or just to “Be happy”. I would like to rage about that thought, un or fortunately, I’m too tired to care…
I’m searching for a Tarot reader… I know I have one… but I want new energies mixed in… but I want the real deal, so I have to be “careful” more than cwreful I would say: “Discerning” but yeah… no.
I lost the thread… I was peeing myself and now everything has been erased. THE HORROR! XD
You know what it’s ridiculous? Well, many things are… but the fact that the side of the bed is spiritually relevant to how your life develops… well, there is a limit that I can tolerate. The dinner table is less ridiculous… but the bed? Are you fucking kidding me? Apparently not. If you must know, according to the spiritual laws of Constellations, women should sleep on the left side of the bed (which I’m still deciding, which fucking side of the bed is the left) and men should be always sleeping in the right. I know the reason of course, it still sounds silly to me. Also, from a certain point of age, women (I’m not sure about men, and doesn’t that makes you seethe?) it’s recommended to sleep in a double bed to the left… so you can have a partner. Something to do with the fact that you are taking, or not reserving; in the case of a twin bed, the space of that being… this sounds more like a Law of Attraction thingy to me… I mean, if you sleep like somebody is there, then by LOA it must be so… I find it more easy to swallow that way, than: you need to give the hierarchy to your man! Or whatever… I don’t know… I have a hate/love relationship with everything in Family Constellation, because you cannot be Adopted, you cannot be Homosexual, you can’t have one child… really? And as usual, it’s women who gets the short end of the stick, because Father have the most absolute power, Mother is there to support but Father will always be “more powerful” than mother. And well, so forth with the siblings. I mean, really? And not only this, many things… it’s especially annoying, when they keep telling you that your seconds and thirds relationships are never going to be as important as the first, that the first will always be there and you will never be as important it doesn’t matter that your partner was a rapist/abuser/whatever. Hum?
THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS EARTH, when PERPETRATOR and VICTIM need to BE TOGETHER to be at peace. Are you fucking kidding me?! I accept that you put them together so the VICTIM can rage upon the perpetrator, but nooooo~ that’s not what it will happen. In the BEST of cases, you will finish the thing with them in a hug…………………….. I have no fucking words. If you are not disturbed yet, maybe you should go and do this workshop…
Does it work? I mean if you disagree in so many levels with the thing, the very least it could be, it’s very effective…
Honest, honest, honest? I would love to say YES, because I have received so many “punches” in this workshop that it only means it’s working, but… so far? I should go and ask other people. I mean, two months into the course, I have not seen changes. I mean, after I received a full-direct constellation things began to get detrimentally WORST. My family is still being a nuisance, I, now, can’t stand where I work and I don’t have five months there (this begins to happen after the year mark). I still have some kilos I should have already lost… I was feeling more in peace with myself, this threw that out of the window.
I hope I have my words thrown back at me and be proven wrong, because this is ridiculous, in and on itself.
Giving that I’m feeling like despairing right now. I decided to come and vent a little in this corner of mine.
I have been asking to myself and to whomever the hell has the answer, about what the hell is the advantage of being this type of soul? Yes, there are different types of souls and guess what? Mines is one of the most powerful or whatever, but… it seems that souls are as unimportant as hell here in 3D. I really don’t even know why I decided to throw myself right in here. I was fine in Hell, what the fuck did I found myself in need of throwing myself here and not only that, but in this stupid circumstances? When I found out about my type of soul, I expected myself to be at least resistant to certain things. Yeah, no, that only made the supposed “things” more evident. It’s hot, again. This place needs to chill, ASAP, but apparently this is going to go nuclear, at least I hope many people die.
I have come to the revelation that the phrase: “When will my life begins?” It’s sort of… misconstrued. Why? Because one’s life had already begun, it’s just a crappy life, I mean, being unsuccessful; broke, unfulfilled and without a path, it is still living. It just not the life you see yourself living. This revelation wasn’t anything. It didn’t make me angry or happy, I just… hum, makes sense. *moving on* :nothing to see here:
I really want to know what I was thinking when I decided to throw myself in this… really, I have ruined forevermore the word ‘Hell’, because no matter how hard I try, I can see Hell as a bad thing. constraining prison? Recently it all been getting exponentially worse, because now I cannot even think like creative thinking in peace. Curious, how my wants of throwing myself out of a high building are coming back, but I’m not suicidal anymore. It is very annoying. I know I want to end with this fucking life, but I also find it pointless? Also, damn hope, because there is the damn thought of: “What if I kill myself and tomorrow everything was about to get better?” Damn, Nietzsche I fucking understand you, when you bitch about hope.
I don’t like the nail colour I put in my nails, but I also I’m too FUCKING LAZY to get rid of it, I really loathe the colour, though.
Regardless of my affiliation, I have no idea of WHY, the fact that people is always sprouting: “The light shall always win” or some derived phrase, drives me to murder. No seriously, you might laugh, but I always feel deeply offended on how people seem to just “reject” the ‘Dark’. While, The Dark, most certainly needs some sort of Paladin, because what is the problem if you’re dark when you are not “hurting” anybody? (as if you couldn’t hurt with light… *snorts*). I don’t have a concrete reason WHY, this perturbs me in such a way. I mean, when you get offended about something is because it pushes some personal buttons, but even as I began this post on affiliation or because of whom my soul is… I still shouldn’t care about it… in such a personal level. I mean, I’m not being slandered, wait… yes I am, but that’s besides the point, let me explain myself better: if The Light finally found itself the absolute winner, in what regard does that affect me? Unless, AS USUAL, and doesn’t that fuck with you? My perception is catching something I’m not able to rationalize. In my “Conscious I”: The Light can certainly go and win and install a perpetual state of Kumbaya forevermore, for all I care… but no. Every time I read, listen or intuit that somebody is trying to put down or badmouth the ‘Dark’ I will get deeply offended and huff like a spoiled two years old, because apparently this is my life now.
The thing is, it’s always been like this, but recently I just feel like is my responsibility to be a spokesperson for the dark. Really? Can’t I just have more tangible causes, like deforestation? Or the war on Syria? No. I decide to go and fight for something so, out of my reach, like the Rights for the “Dark”. See how ridiculous this sounds? It might also be the fact that I don’t really care about deforestation (it does concern me on a level of: this is the only planet we have) and let’s not even speak of Syria… war, it’s stupid, so yeah.
Bah, I supposed I will just die with this quirk, because people will get: “No matter what you say the Light will always conquer” and I will just face-palm and do an inward scream of “YOU ARE MISSING THE FUCKING POINT!” And then, huff and growl for a while, because I just decided to misplace myself in body, space and time and then I will just be comforted about the fact that this life is temporal, very temporal and then I can just return to hell and keep hiding in my tower! Yeah, this thought makes me feel a lot better!
I have so many things in my mind, usually; that I finish saying, two things: or nothing related to what I wanted to transmit or I don’t say anything at all. It’s annoying. My fucking coherency has left me, for real.
Yesterday I had a conversation that could be cataloged as “awkward” but I don’t do awkward, so I really couldn’t care less, where again, I was called: a person with low self-esteem, a person with strange colour hairs; because she likes to call the attention and others that I can’t be bothered to recall. Also people trying to invalidate what I am is ridiculous. Sure, I have shields, it is impossible not too, but I don’t get those shields destroy everything. I can speak and be spoken too, but for some unfathomable reason, I can’t seem to… don’t know even how to explain it. Here I’m trying to speak about friendship and relationship with another beings, in all honesty, I don’t even know what is the point I’m trying to make by now, but even if I can’t explain it, it’s still happening, also, it’s really annoying, when my mind wants to go to metaphorical places I definitively don’t even want to touch with an also metaphorically ten foot pole…
Another thing I wanted to address here is the fact that I seem to have this programming that says that Everybody leaves, and can you blame? So I have noticed that I keep pushing and pushing the rope to see when it’s going to break, and the most stupid thing is that the “person” allow me to call it “energy” isn’t even here in third dimension, but I have that behavior and eve if I know I should stop and do something about it, I sort-of-can’t? It is very weird, seriously, I mean… I am aware of everything that I am doing wrong, but still I can’t do anything about it or I do it before I can censure myself. If you want an example, I should have already
gone from that house where I only receive and give misery, but… I won’t, the: “what would I do? Where would I go?” Pops to mind, but it’s not what stops me, it’s this feeling of dread and also a tinge of guilt that suffocates me, robbing me of my breathe for a few milliseconds, so… if nothing is going to change I then take this stupid posture where I will do absolutely nothing to change the situation, because: what is the point, right? Besides, if I do go away from all the source of my mystery, I won’t go to a fucking small town, in the middle of nowhere and good luck trying to board a fucking plane in this… never you mind, I’m getting fired up, for nothing, but I think that my levels of indignation and frustration one of these day are going to make explode, metaphorically, but what can you do when the situation gets out of hand? Where it’s OUT of your hands, literally, what can I do… for example: I want to go to England, forget the flat, the food and the water… how do I do to arrive to England, in a permanent kind of situation. I shouldn’t do this to myself, because if something causes you nausea… I don’t think that can be healthy.
I have my consolation, though… when I return to Bardo, I will laugh at myself quite a lot, snorting, telling to myself how stupidly silly I was and how could I have failed in such easy tasks… I also cling myself to the fact that, if it gates too much, I can always end it and do it again, believe it or not, this thought, takes me through the day, I know it’s a morbid motivation, but think about it, if for some reason you can’t keep going, there is a solution and it makes it bearable… you know when people says it gets better? I don’t think… it’s strange, it does get better, but not that “better” this make enter in conflict with myself, because right now, right now at 8:45 am of this current day I feel as hopeless as I felt ten years ago aaaaand I really need a hug, right now… but for now I only have half-hopes and feelings of abandonment. JOY, yes I’m being facetious…
What does it says about the fact that I don’t care if people are cheating on me, but I, doing the same thing, itches like hell? Really, you might not believe it, but I couldn’t care less whom the hell you are fucking even if you are in a relationship with me, but I don’t think I would be able to do the same. I would love to know the reason to that. Ah the delights of being human *pukes*
I decided, well, I don’t know how much I decided… I mean, I had already seen the workshop and I… hum~ I’m not sure about it, but then a friend came by and sent me a message and didn’t think much about it, because whatever, but said friend returned… I still don’t understand said friend reason to invite me, but everything in divine order and I refused to delve in deep waters, so… let’s concentrate in what it matters, The Workshop. Alright, I asked my father if I could do the thing and he said yes, and blah, blah, blah, I refuse to speak also of You-Know-Who, the workshop begins one 25 of April, current year and before beginning the thing, I decided that it would be cool to finally see with this two eyes, how it works the Family Constellation, which is not the psychological one, but the witchcrafty one… it is said that if you cure your ancestor and your past, issues (or situations or teachings as they are called). They will just banish away, because they are not yours, you have just been dragging this stuff for EONS, thanks to the Epigenetics and doesn’t that fucks with you?
So, I went as an observer. I would have gone as a participant, but I didn’t know what I wanted to Constellate. I lie; I could have found a thing or two, but apparently it wasn’t the moment, because I didn’t even consider it and there was the tiny little problem: quorum was full, so yeah, I went to gossip… basically. It was very cool. I fed my internal yenta, I participated as a character of the story, if you know something about Family Constellation and I was dissuaded of ANY illusions I could have had of the Facilitator, very quickly. It left me a little bit in a whiplash… usually it takes me a few classes to notice: a damn, they are humans… darn it to hell!
I don’t think I’m going to enjoy this workshop that much. Not because the Pensum doesn’t interest me, on the contrary I’m absurdly interested… it’s just that I sort have reactive energies with the Facilitator, I don’t know why… my friend says I have issues with Authority which is true, I don’t deny it… authority is nothing, so I don’t respect you unless you have gained my respect, but that’s not it. I don’t go searching to make Authority’s life impossible, I just: if you keep your way, I keep mine, and so. It was so discordant that I usually stay a while, so I can speak with the Facilitator and I don’t know, probe some more… maybe? But this time? This time I just shoot out of the door as if I was being thrown out and… oh shit. HAHAHAHA XD are you fucking kidding me? Alright, really, this is going to be a blast and yes I’m being ironic… fuck it, really. Fuck it.
Well, I hope the workshop turns out for the better and the suffering be short. I’ll keep this blog posted, maybe…
PD: it seems that something was moved from me too, because I feel kinda sick… urgh~
I am going to take this as a signal that it working so much that has me spiraling out of control in my angst and for some strange reason, I feel used and cheap, but nothing new there. I was going to say stuff, but as usual, there is only a blank in my head where my complaints should be, but really, right now I am in a very deep hole, which I don’t really want to climb out, and not because I like the hole, but because literally I’m too tired of climbing out and out and I’m always somehow or another end in the same spot.
Do you know what I feel right now really? I should be pissed off, but of course, anger is something I seldom feel, and now? Much more… but I feel like everybody’s lives are snapping into places and mine still feels in the same stuck spot that is always is, and ok, maybe I’m just blind and lost in my usual wangst, what can I tell you? I try, maybe the energies outside don’t help much, because the only thing that has been eradicated from my life for good is Suicide and it was entertaining to contemplate it, I cannot do that anymore and whatever… but my wangsting? Spiraling with my thought is kinda my superpower, but I do feel kind of annoying with the situation, to the point where yesterday I was ready to send everything to the metaphorical hell when… well I just fell asleep, but I don’t even know how to put into words what I am feeling, but it’s not a good feeling, is ugly and it seems to taint on the inside, well, more tainted that I, ain’t much people, so never you mind.
Fuck, never you mind… if I have to stay here forever, I am well and ready, the situation in this country is about to change, so, five years of crisis? Bring it on it! And then I’ll pretend I never had dreams, which thinking about it. I really have no concrete dreams. I don’t want a family, I don’t want to have a specific house, I don’t want to be successful, seriously? Is kind of sad, because when I see towards the future, I’m not thinking, well… I would like: this, this, this, this. When I see into the future is something like: find money, go to the cinema, sleep… sometimes ice cream, the rest, oh… the connection to internet, that is very important, this is where my life develops.
From this own I will be like a leaf in a river, I struck myself against a rock, awesome, I ran down the stream, awesome too. maybe this is my weariness speaking and we know how volatile my feelings can be… or the lack of there of. Urgh, to this point I have absolutely no idea of what I want, for what I want seldom I get, as instantaneously as it can be, because the moment I don’t want the stuff anymore is when it comes and everything else… I don’t know either, because you can’t know what you don’t know, if you understand what I’m trying to say.
No seriously, fuck it.
Sincerely, this very half-tired, half-annoyed “human”.
Today, on the day I arrived to this world, whom I have to admit, don’t like… I would like to say that I would love to write everything it happening in here, but it’s so impossible and absurd that I don’t have the wants to do it, nor the inclinations, because I wouldn’t know where to begin, but if you could see my life now, even if it doesn’t directly reflect itself in third dimension, I live in a movie or a book of those I love to read. Some days ago, I made a love ritual, I did it, I don’t know why, I’m most certainty not searching for it and to be honest I don’t want it for certain implications and in the moment I have decided that I am willing to stay for the rest of my life, alone. This jewel of a future appears in my horizon… it is hard to believe that somebody holds so much love for you, that it’s willing to come down here just to be with you… I’m not sure if I’m ready for that, because these days, I have been feeling in love… and I’m alone, third dimensionally speaking and I’m treating this as being “infatuated”, because I don’t have a frame of reference, I have never been in love before… I have actually never been in nothing before.
To this moment, it will be, literally… just to wait and see. I mean, it would be great to have somebody with whom you can share your life fully, but I don’t think I can take the fights and the tears and the angers that come with a relationship, even if I would be entering in a relationship, according to; with the only person that tolerates me in full and I, the same. You know what it’s the most fucked up thing? Excite myself with this prospect of a future and that it never happens or if loves comes in third dimensional, it will never feel like this thing running amok in my mind. I supposed this is a moment from where “Having blind faith” is the way to go, the issue is that I am not sure, how much I want to give myself to having blind faith. The many scenarios in which this can go down the drain…
The only thing I can do right now is: SPIRIT in your hands my insecurities and the conflicts lying in my soul.
Now, I shall go and keep pondering stuff in my mind while I do stuff. Yeah, I know.
Oh, just to leave this on record. I was awoken today by music blasting from another apartment and said song was “El Perdedor by Enrique Iglesias” and in and of itself, if wouldn’t be strange, but recently everything is a message, but… this just throws away everything that have been saying. I mean, nothing has happened so far and we are already with such song? Let’s see what I get late. Or maybe it’s a: “let’s try even if we lose everything?” Well, shit.
Today, being Imbolc and all, I found that every Sabbath and Esbat has a tarot spread, so I said why not. The first time I did this, still the sun was shining and it was an unmitigated disaster, except maybe that reversed seven of cups, which told me that my strengths were Forgiveness and stuff, but I think that would be more like ‘weapons’ not strength… I don’t have a particular easy time forgiving.
So, without further delay, a reading that actually made sense!
The first card, which represents my strengths, I have the II of Wands, apparently, my strengths lay in my Personal Power and my capacities for originality. You know? I have always have a hate/love relationship with creativity, because, there is nothing new under the sun, but I suppose now creativity means giving a new twist to something, that I can do… the issue is that is never as GOOD as a I want it to be or I envisioned it in my head, which frustrates me to no end; but let’s have a little bit of high self-esteem today and pretend until you make it that I have all that creativity and indeed, you can take everything from me, but I still will have an attitude, I don’t see myself being stripped of my personal power, for me. I’m awesome.
The second card, speaks of my desires… which confused me to no end. The Wheel of Fortune, now I have always had a thing for destiny and the future and the occult energies of the universe, but this card reversed, baffled me. According to this: my desires are not to change? Now, excuse me here, but I’m dying for a change. It also tells me to stop being a victim, act with caution and ask for help, even if it’s not need it. I think this one got mixed up and this needed to be changed, because this doesn’t make much senses about my desires… my desires are to move on, to move on also, literally. To recover all my spiritual power. To know the truth, as possible; to find new possibilities and I can go on and on.
Now, the third card it tells you what it needs to be healed: IX of Swords, what a card. This cards basically tells me that I will worry myself sick. Give me something to do and I will stop going about the issue over and over again. I know I am little persistent little shit, but I basically have nothing else to do than to figure out what the hell is going on that I’m still stuck and then I will just worry about, because everything speaks of changes and I’m blind to the apparent subtleties of the universe.
The fourth card will make you aware of your creative inspirations. Um~ this wasn’t that clear, because of the card. The VII of Pentacles is not a fast YES, or a completely positive card. It tells me I need to begin to plan for the future also that I’m for a direct change, but unless you are talking about my uncanny ability of change EVERYTHING and EVERY RULE just by the grace of setting my foot down, I don’t understand how this card refers to my creative inspirations.
On the fifth spot, we have V of Pentacles, but don’t despair, my dears, because it’s reversed, but this doesn’t tell me much about “Making plans.” I mean, this card only tells me that I have finally found life worth living and I’m putting this with extreme prejudice, because I will find worth living away, after I have new challenges and a new house that it’s entirely mine and I understand myself when I say that, I’m not referring exactly to the house. It also speaks that I will find a new source of income.
And the last card, I loved my last card that augurs my future! Except there is a catch… well, there is usually. I have the Ace of Swords. The only thing better for my plans would have been the Ace of Wands, but I have something better for this 3D and that is my II of Wands at the beginning of this reading. This basically means I have all the road paved with success, because I have all the resources to overcome all the obstacles and not only I will succeed. I have planted in me a seed of clarity and I will fin the truth. The catch is I have to use this energy for good, or it won’t be pretty. See? Always a catch.
Anyway, even if I didn’t understand the spread completely I’m very satisfied with the read. Now let’s wait for it to fulfil itself.