With this post, I will try to put into words, why I’m so conflicted with my-so-called future husband/wife/mate/celie… and without travelling much further, I have to say that, I’m not sure. I mean, it’s not… here we go, just me; babbling things. I… honestly Them would be the last them I would have picked up in the Universe. It’s not like disgust, disgust, per se… but I don’t even know them, like personally, and maybe there is were everything resides in… from my perspective, we would just CLASH, and I will call him, “him” from now on, because no matter how hard I try, the only pronoun it wants to be written, is the Masculine Pronoun, so… you win Masculine Pronoun. And, WTF? I don’t even like men, which holds like 30% of my “Why it has to be you?” I would have to say in honesty that this is merely an excuse, because nobody understand that I’M GENDER-BLIND, but I’m such a picky person, because humans are plain disgusting. What? That I’m human too? Oh little grasshopper, as if it matters. That Humans have to die? Then I will do too. And I will die too just because of the principle, because I would love for The Other Side to be discovered scientifically so I can see how much of a human I really am to this point.
It is amazing… I will speak about Jealousy in here. Really, I have never experienced Jealousy until this… incorporeal being entered into my life like a lost parachuter. No, I’m serious, it was: you are this, you have done this and this and this and suddenly, I was buried under so much information that I didn’t have the time to ask: “and YOU, where the hell did you come from?” And to be honest, I’m a very organic person, I mean, I do need my temper-tantrum in my shallow puddle of water, but: “You are going to get together the Archangel Michael kind of gig?” I just shrug and keep doing my thing, because like I live telling people, that God doesn’t exist? Ok. That God exist? Ok. When something IS, people believing otherwise won’t change it.
There are people that says the ocean couldn’t exists, or they could refute “something” in the universe or whatever example I can put in here that will make my point and the thing will not suddenly shift out of existence, just because people think that it doesn’t exists. That’s not how it works. The ocean is still here, that in the future it will get dry? Sure, but the saltpetre will still tell you there was a fucking ocean… which is why these discussions ANNOYS me to no end. BUT NO… you can’t just believe whatever you want to believe and leave the other to do the same, the gall, honestly.
But the existence or reality of the situation, it’s NOT THE POINT. I’m complaining about the PRINCIPLE. Again, to this point, I’m not trying to make a point, because as I keep telling you, I will most likely complain and just move from A to B, because conflict tires me… and this life is so pathetic to me that it makes no sense, that we all have to suffer under a Communist Dictatorship. Let me just have my imagination in peace and let me stay home until my last dying breath. I will not vote, I will not act against, etc. Will I complain? Well, sure thing. But complaining hardly bothers anybody. But returning to the subject, this doesn’t seem much like Free Will to me and Free Will is the most WHOLESOME thing it can exist, period. Because I’m in love with the guy and I don’t even KNOW if the guy actually exist and don’t mind me, because I won’t be able to explain this to you, because I can’t even understand it myself. What the hell is why I say, when I find myself from one thing or the other that I won’t be able to be together with him? Man that distressing to say the less… what? Like, REALLY? I mean, I get my heart-broken for a Jerk that believed, regardless of the proof, because the proof got as real as you could get it, but didn’t you stop thinking about that something was probably WRONG? No, just jumped into conclusion, why not? It’s not like we were in the womb together and… no, I’m not here to recriminate, seriously, if there is something I refuse to do is to recriminate. I can complain, but I can’t recriminate… I don’t know why, it’s a pet-peeve of mine, beside, complaining is mostly an intern process, going and blaming others… that’s the MOST useless thing EVER. Besides, god’s is my witness that I’m the most blegh and uninterested person in this CREATION, so yeah. As I say, recrimination always returns to me like a boomerang, because I can always and most likely always will end with the blame shifting on me. Must be that Victim Shaming so ingrained in me, being a survivor of RAPING and MENTAL and EMOTIONAL torture, ALLEGEDLY. It’s not like I remember when it happened, because let’s get real. I know, on a conscious level that it’s not my fault and that everybody can go and die in a fire, buuuu~t, so far only one person and I’m not too sure about this one, never pointed a finger and threw a: “how dare you to my face?” Yeah, that’s the point where a: “How I ‘dare’? *sputters* *sputters* *sputters*” How I dare… *snorts* seriously.
And why did I derive myself to this? This was definitively NOT what I was coming to speak in here. I was just going to complain about how I want to get on with a woman, a pretty woman and that I don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship, because I’m in love with the notion of being in love and won’t ever be able to understand the love the other person has for me, because it will never met my fantasy. Which makes me a Sociopath from Criminal Minds, right? So we will end dead or miserable. WOW! What a future!
Instead I’m bitching about something that happened, probably with the Creation of Atlantis or further back and still makes my life miserable *headesk* *moment of silent despair*
Instead of getting something I can adjust my perspective to swallow it, little by little. No. I’m doomed and yes, I’m overreacting, leave me alone. I’m shoved with the man that already left me once. No, wait. The man I already left once (he was going to kill me if I didn’t, I need to excuse myself, see… why? I’m the victim here. Oh subconscious, you are the WOES of all creation) which holds the paramount of everything I fight against. Well, this just HAS the title of winner and I don’t even know him, in a way that I can slap him, if only to make myself feel better. No seriously, I don’t know… let’s change the word… I don’t REMEMBER the man, but if thirty percent of what I heard is true. Really, if I could picture the face my mind made, right now, of only thinking it. Really, do you think we have a future together? And right now I’m creating a momentum of distrust and partially disgust, which SQUASH the WHAT?! WE ARE NOT GOING TO BE TOGETHER?! *HEARS THE SOUNDS OF HEART BREAKING AND TURNING TO DUST* *DESPAIR* *MY LIFE MAKES NO SENSE ANY-MORE* DUDE! I don’t even
know remember you!? And what I know of you from third party sources. You hate and despise me, you threw me out of my grace, you are a holy-than-thou womaniser and while I’m all for polygamy, but yours just rubs me in the wrong way and I have the MOTHER-LOAD OF ALL ISSUES with. I really surprise myself EVERY TIME with the “I’m going to kill you all who touched him, because he is mine.” (and the fault is HIS! I mean, whut?) WHEN I DON’T EVEN KNOW OR FINISH TO LIKE THE GUUUUY, MIND ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE, SERIOUSLY?!!?!? No, you might laugh, but I have never felt before such a burning ire than when He had to tell ALL the PEOPLE he had USED let’s say; an ‘apology’ and tell them that they all had a place in his life. Dude, I was just… I… that was like, NO, you don’t have a place there and try it, just try it. Of course, I know on a conscious level that you have to do that, because this Creation works… I was going to say strange ways, but no. It’s not strange, it’s very coherent. I still wanted to go a rampage… and how much that ‘brother’/’cousin’/’whatever’ mocked me. I should mock myself… because she is right… “Shut up Lucy, that’s just your jealousy speaking.” And I… I’m not even a jealous person… I swear I’m not, but apparently, with this being I am… the irrationality of the situation, it makes absolutely no sense!
*melts into a puddle of whatever in the middle of a corner* I am the only one that notices how much this sucks and hasn’t even begun?
On a nicer note, is raining again. Glory to the Lord! Hallelujah, indeed. It is impressive that I stop energetically working the rain and the rain disperses and disappear. How is this fair in any way? Who holds the power to stop a Tsunami and make it as it never existed? But I’m getting out of track.
To be honest, after almost 2000 words, I’m not even sure of what I want. Sure, my ID would just go with the guy and the fact that I cannot stand anything that he; ALLEGEDLY, because I give you that… I only have whatever other people have written about him, believes and stands for and my SUPEREGO… Erm… actually, I have never asked for you opinion HIGHER-SELF, are you getting along with the guy upstairs? I mean, you are unusually quiet about this whole cluster-fuck and I know you can have an opinion, because the show with that Minion of Death or whatever, proved it… you made your point. WITH CLARITY. You didn’t like him and I gave you the “message received”. I would like your output now, I’M SERIOUS, if you have an opinion I’m dying to know it. Or are we despairing about the same thing? Which it wouldn’t surprise me… I don’t think you and I are that adrift from each other.
Well, this whole post was unusually unhelpful… at least to me, I know that people came to snoop and isn’t that UNFAIR? I cannot snoop back. Seriously, who made the rules to this game? We should all sue them…
I shall go and keep wasting my time in other useless endeavours… my souls issues seems to have no end and I don’t have anything to do in the Matrix, right now… *sniggers* this is absurd. I should be able to use the wash machine or… oh, I will just go and try to nap or something, this is the MOST pointless thing I have made in my life. It seems that it’s my destiny to be stuck in this humourless life, (in)tolerating these humans, apparently is also my destiny to get on with this life and the miserable part is still in “we’ll see” because, who knows, I might get under a spell. It’s not like it’s beyond him. If it’s true that the guy has sabotaged so far all my tries of getting with other people.
Do whatever you want, seriously, to this point. I don’t even care further beyond of complaining.
Deep with love,
PS: The fact that I wrote this post to the tune of Sixteen shades of black and blue, worries me the tad little bit. It’s good that I threw myself to this life with a high levels of masochism, which is probably the main of my problems…
Really, it is amazing how in so little time, I have killed many things I have enjoy it, because of technicalities I can’t even control. As usual… I mean, I was sexually frigid before, but now it’s getting ridiculous to the length I have come to not feel sexual arousal, because reasons. I have never been the one to care if I’m singled out because I know I’m crazy, but this situation is so… ridiculous, it begs the question WHY I do I keep believing this shit? Seriously, if I didn’t believe this with so much intensity. I’m pretty sure the shit wouldn’t be so in-your-face and having partners-in-crime on the joke, is not helping any.
WORST thing of all is that I feel guilty after fighting so much, because fuck it… I LOATHE fighting. I mean, it tires me. I am more of a person: “Do you want to go left? let’s go left… what? Right, now? Sure why not? What? That you want to kill and hide a body? Sure, can you come and get me at least?” That’s the kind of person I am, unless I’m tired of your bullshit and I want to go home and then I will try to ruin the environment as much as I can… or fall asleep, I will probably fall asleep first. I’ve never had the strength or the inclination to be particularly bellicose, which is ridiculous, because I’m the most rebellious person there is… is just… my motivation is missing. Dunno, maybe I was stripped of that too, because I must have been the most motivated person there was, if I created one of the most successful rebellions there were, just because I was in a tiff, wanted to actually be blamed for something I did and I wad bored out of my mind… I’m pretty sure the bored thing was the one that got me.
Did I told you that I ‘was let go’ from my ex-current job? I was supposed to get out of this country with that job and according to many of the people I know can ‘see’ the future, that was a pretty done deal. Honestly, I’m tired of this country. Wait. No. I’m tired of this people’s country. Seriously, mate… I commiserate with you the people you are stuck with and if every channeller is true to this land’s words… you still see them as sons and daughters… mama… are you a masochist? I understand you are all about Unconditional Love and stuff, but enough if enough, don’t you think? Are you still not angry enough, Venezuela? Um? Are you still thinking in rainbows and kites? Because if you have to kill us all to get done with it… well, I accept that. In fact, I beg you, down on my knees. Please, release your mighty anger on us, you deserve to; after all the abuse you have gone through. Allowing the other cheek is not going to help, because they want you dead. But… you are older than us, so you will know what you are doing.
I really just want to get out, probably go back to Hell, too. Return to my tower and forget that I screwed everything so bad, because of a… what is the worse that could happen? Well, NOW we know what is the worst that could have had happened. *groans and moans of despair* Well, maybe I’m exaggerating, I can come up with several very creepy scenarios, but this is as ‘worse’ as it gets in my life, I suppose my Point of Attraction doesn’t allow for anything else, really; ignorance is bliss.
In these moments is where I wish that I was orthodox, extreme racist, homophobic, closed minded and Chavista… because, really. IGNORANCE IS BLISS. But, impossible, because I think in the possibilities and that make my soul curdle and yell at me: “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?” so yeah… no ‘Your Regular John’ for me in this life and counting with the fact THIS IS THE LAST ONE, apparently not never.
You know I was thinking that if I accept my issue aloud it will get better, but I really CAN’T do that, because knowing me… it will only get worst on from vantage point and apparently I can spell “BECAUSE” in my keyboard because, every BECAUSE I have written in this post have been written like this: “becuase”. Fuck it… this time I wrote it, correctly *RAGE* (ﾉಥ益ಥ）ﾉ ┻━┻
I want toilet paper without having to wait in an endless row, I want a liner, I want so many things T^T. God this is ridiculous, if I wasn’t just waking up, I would just decided to go and take a nap, because creating Momentum of despair is not going to help any.
*sigh of desperation*
You know what it’s fucker up? The fact that after I deep clean myself spiritually speaking… the moment I leave my room, is AWFUL… yes. in capitals. So you can’t stay clean and if you don’t get clean there is when things begins to go wrong. Also you can’t clean every day because whatever you do, will sort of stop working… I suppose it has something to do with ‘ritualistic’ and ‘sacred’ but not like you are thinking.
So… what’s the third option!? I’d love to know. I’m not sure, but everything on a mostly internal level is wrong and… the envioroment still keeps the same. It’s annoying feeling that nothing is its proper place whe evrythimg else is so static that you keep wondering what the fuck is hapening, because this can’t be right.
Yesterday I was feeling like hell and it was one of the two days I have a full working-day and while at five hours it was still manageable at eight hours I was ready to quit and just die there.
I have months, like… we are in June? Well I have six months without rest… of course I sleep, sometimes I sleep so much it worries me, but I will wake up tired and look at the ugly world where I live and ask myself and to Higher me: What the fuck where we thinking? Because if I came here for not reason in particular or just to “Be happy”. I would like to rage about that thought, un or fortunately, I’m too tired to care…
I’m searching for a Tarot reader… I know I have one… but I want new energies mixed in… but I want the real deal, so I have to be “careful” more than cwreful I would say: “Discerning” but yeah… no.
I lost the thread… I was peeing myself and now everything has been erased. THE HORROR! XD
You know what it’s ridiculous? Well, many things are… but the fact that the side of the bed is spiritually relevant to how your life develops… well, there is a limit that I can tolerate. The dinner table is less ridiculous… but the bed? Are you fucking kidding me? Apparently not. If you must know, according to the spiritual laws of Constellations, women should sleep on the left side of the bed (which I’m still deciding, which fucking side of the bed is the left) and men should be always sleeping in the right. I know the reason of course, it still sounds silly to me. Also, from a certain point of age, women (I’m not sure about men, and doesn’t that makes you seethe?) it’s recommended to sleep in a double bed to the left… so you can have a partner. Something to do with the fact that you are taking, or not reserving; in the case of a twin bed, the space of that being… this sounds more like a Law of Attraction thingy to me… I mean, if you sleep like somebody is there, then by LOA it must be so… I find it more easy to swallow that way, than: you need to give the hierarchy to your man! Or whatever… I don’t know… I have a hate/love relationship with everything in Family Constellation, because you cannot be Adopted, you cannot be Homosexual, you can’t have one child… really? And as usual, it’s women who gets the short end of the stick, because Father have the most absolute power, Mother is there to support but Father will always be “more powerful” than mother. And well, so forth with the siblings. I mean, really? And not only this, many things… it’s especially annoying, when they keep telling you that your seconds and thirds relationships are never going to be as important as the first, that the first will always be there and you will never be as important it doesn’t matter that your partner was a rapist/abuser/whatever. Hum?
THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS EARTH, when PERPETRATOR and VICTIM need to BE TOGETHER to be at peace. Are you fucking kidding me?! I accept that you put them together so the VICTIM can rage upon the perpetrator, but nooooo~ that’s not what it will happen. In the BEST of cases, you will finish the thing with them in a hug…………………….. I have no fucking words. If you are not disturbed yet, maybe you should go and do this workshop…
Does it work? I mean if you disagree in so many levels with the thing, the very least it could be, it’s very effective…
Honest, honest, honest? I would love to say YES, because I have received so many “punches” in this workshop that it only means it’s working, but… so far? I should go and ask other people. I mean, two months into the course, I have not seen changes. I mean, after I received a full-direct constellation things began to get detrimentally WORST. My family is still being a nuisance, I, now, can’t stand where I work and I don’t have five months there (this begins to happen after the year mark). I still have some kilos I should have already lost… I was feeling more in peace with myself, this threw that out of the window.
I hope I have my words thrown back at me and be proven wrong, because this is ridiculous, in and on itself.
Giving that I’m feeling like despairing right now. I decided to come and vent a little in this corner of mine.
I have been asking to myself and to whomever the hell has the answer, about what the hell is the advantage of being this type of soul? Yes, there are different types of souls and guess what? Mines is one of the most powerful or whatever, but… it seems that souls are as unimportant as hell here in 3D. I really don’t even know why I decided to throw myself right in here. I was fine in Hell, what the fuck did I found myself in need of throwing myself here and not only that, but in this stupid circumstances? When I found out about my type of soul, I expected myself to be at least resistant to certain things. Yeah, no, that only made the supposed “things” more evident. It’s hot, again. This place needs to chill, ASAP, but apparently this is going to go nuclear, at least I hope many people die.
I have come to the revelation that the phrase: “When will my life begins?” It’s sort of… misconstrued. Why? Because one’s life had already begun, it’s just a crappy life, I mean, being unsuccessful; broke, unfulfilled and without a path, it is still living. It just not the life you see yourself living. This revelation wasn’t anything. It didn’t make me angry or happy, I just… hum, makes sense. *moving on* :nothing to see here:
I really want to know what I was thinking when I decided to throw myself in this… really, I have ruined forevermore the word ‘Hell’, because no matter how hard I try, I can see Hell as a bad thing. constraining prison? Recently it all been getting exponentially worse, because now I cannot even think like creative thinking in peace. Curious, how my wants of throwing myself out of a high building are coming back, but I’m not suicidal anymore. It is very annoying. I know I want to end with this fucking life, but I also find it pointless? Also, damn hope, because there is the damn thought of: “What if I kill myself and tomorrow everything was about to get better?” Damn, Nietzsche I fucking understand you, when you bitch about hope.
I don’t like the nail colour I put in my nails, but I also I’m too FUCKING LAZY to get rid of it, I really loathe the colour, though.
Regardless of my affiliation, I have no idea of WHY, the fact that people is always sprouting: “The light shall always win” or some derived phrase, drives me to murder. No seriously, you might laugh, but I always feel deeply offended on how people seem to just “reject” the ‘Dark’. While, The Dark, most certainly needs some sort of Paladin, because what is the problem if you’re dark when you are not “hurting” anybody? (as if you couldn’t hurt with light… *snorts*). I don’t have a concrete reason WHY, this perturbs me in such a way. I mean, when you get offended about something is because it pushes some personal buttons, but even as I began this post on affiliation or because of whom my soul is… I still shouldn’t care about it… in such a personal level. I mean, I’m not being slandered, wait… yes I am, but that’s besides the point, let me explain myself better: if The Light finally found itself the absolute winner, in what regard does that affect me? Unless, AS USUAL, and doesn’t that fuck with you? My perception is catching something I’m not able to rationalize. In my “Conscious I”: The Light can certainly go and win and install a perpetual state of Kumbaya forevermore, for all I care… but no. Every time I read, listen or intuit that somebody is trying to put down or badmouth the ‘Dark’ I will get deeply offended and huff like a spoiled two years old, because apparently this is my life now.
The thing is, it’s always been like this, but recently I just feel like is my responsibility to be a spokesperson for the dark. Really? Can’t I just have more tangible causes, like deforestation? Or the war on Syria? No. I decide to go and fight for something so, out of my reach, like the Rights for the “Dark”. See how ridiculous this sounds? It might also be the fact that I don’t really care about deforestation (it does concern me on a level of: this is the only planet we have) and let’s not even speak of Syria… war, it’s stupid, so yeah.
Bah, I supposed I will just die with this quirk, because people will get: “No matter what you say the Light will always conquer” and I will just face-palm and do an inward scream of “YOU ARE MISSING THE FUCKING POINT!” And then, huff and growl for a while, because I just decided to misplace myself in body, space and time and then I will just be comforted about the fact that this life is temporal, very temporal and then I can just return to hell and keep hiding in my tower! Yeah, this thought makes me feel a lot better!
I have so many things in my mind, usually; that I finish saying, two things: or nothing related to what I wanted to transmit or I don’t say anything at all. It’s annoying. My fucking coherency has left me, for real.
Yesterday I had a conversation that could be cataloged as “awkward” but I don’t do awkward, so I really couldn’t care less, where again, I was called: a person with low self-esteem, a person with strange colour hairs; because she likes to call the attention and others that I can’t be bothered to recall. Also people trying to invalidate what I am is ridiculous. Sure, I have shields, it is impossible not too, but I don’t get those shields destroy everything. I can speak and be spoken too, but for some unfathomable reason, I can’t seem to… don’t know even how to explain it. Here I’m trying to speak about friendship and relationship with another beings, in all honesty, I don’t even know what is the point I’m trying to make by now, but even if I can’t explain it, it’s still happening, also, it’s really annoying, when my mind wants to go to metaphorical places I definitively don’t even want to touch with an also metaphorically ten foot pole…
Another thing I wanted to address here is the fact that I seem to have this programming that says that Everybody leaves, and can you blame? So I have noticed that I keep pushing and pushing the rope to see when it’s going to break, and the most stupid thing is that the “person” allow me to call it “energy” isn’t even here in third dimension, but I have that behavior and eve if I know I should stop and do something about it, I sort-of-can’t? It is very weird, seriously, I mean… I am aware of everything that I am doing wrong, but still I can’t do anything about it or I do it before I can censure myself. If you want an example, I should have already
gone from that house where I only receive and give misery, but… I won’t, the: “what would I do? Where would I go?” Pops to mind, but it’s not what stops me, it’s this feeling of dread and also a tinge of guilt that suffocates me, robbing me of my breathe for a few milliseconds, so… if nothing is going to change I then take this stupid posture where I will do absolutely nothing to change the situation, because: what is the point, right? Besides, if I do go away from all the source of my mystery, I won’t go to a fucking small town, in the middle of nowhere and good luck trying to board a fucking plane in this… never you mind, I’m getting fired up, for nothing, but I think that my levels of indignation and frustration one of these day are going to make explode, metaphorically, but what can you do when the situation gets out of hand? Where it’s OUT of your hands, literally, what can I do… for example: I want to go to England, forget the flat, the food and the water… how do I do to arrive to England, in a permanent kind of situation. I shouldn’t do this to myself, because if something causes you nausea… I don’t think that can be healthy.
I have my consolation, though… when I return to Bardo, I will laugh at myself quite a lot, snorting, telling to myself how stupidly silly I was and how could I have failed in such easy tasks… I also cling myself to the fact that, if it gates too much, I can always end it and do it again, believe it or not, this thought, takes me through the day, I know it’s a morbid motivation, but think about it, if for some reason you can’t keep going, there is a solution and it makes it bearable… you know when people says it gets better? I don’t think… it’s strange, it does get better, but not that “better” this make enter in conflict with myself, because right now, right now at 8:45 am of this current day I feel as hopeless as I felt ten years ago aaaaand I really need a hug, right now… but for now I only have half-hopes and feelings of abandonment. JOY, yes I’m being facetious…
What does it says about the fact that I don’t care if people are cheating on me, but I, doing the same thing, itches like hell? Really, you might not believe it, but I couldn’t care less whom the hell you are fucking even if you are in a relationship with me, but I don’t think I would be able to do the same. I would love to know the reason to that. Ah the delights of being human *pukes*
I decided, well, I don’t know how much I decided… I mean, I had already seen the workshop and I… hum~ I’m not sure about it, but then a friend came by and sent me a message and didn’t think much about it, because whatever, but said friend returned… I still don’t understand said friend reason to invite me, but everything in divine order and I refused to delve in deep waters, so… let’s concentrate in what it matters, The Workshop. Alright, I asked my father if I could do the thing and he said yes, and blah, blah, blah, I refuse to speak also of You-Know-Who, the workshop begins one 25 of April, current year and before beginning the thing, I decided that it would be cool to finally see with this two eyes, how it works the Family Constellation, which is not the psychological one, but the witchcrafty one… it is said that if you cure your ancestor and your past, issues (or situations or teachings as they are called). They will just banish away, because they are not yours, you have just been dragging this stuff for EONS, thanks to the Epigenetics and doesn’t that fucks with you?
So, I went as an observer. I would have gone as a participant, but I didn’t know what I wanted to Constellate. I lie; I could have found a thing or two, but apparently it wasn’t the moment, because I didn’t even consider it and there was the tiny little problem: quorum was full, so yeah, I went to gossip… basically. It was very cool. I fed my internal yenta, I participated as a character of the story, if you know something about Family Constellation and I was dissuaded of ANY illusions I could have had of the Facilitator, very quickly. It left me a little bit in a whiplash… usually it takes me a few classes to notice: a damn, they are humans… darn it to hell!
I don’t think I’m going to enjoy this workshop that much. Not because the Pensum doesn’t interest me, on the contrary I’m absurdly interested… it’s just that I sort have reactive energies with the Facilitator, I don’t know why… my friend says I have issues with Authority which is true, I don’t deny it… authority is nothing, so I don’t respect you unless you have gained my respect, but that’s not it. I don’t go searching to make Authority’s life impossible, I just: if you keep your way, I keep mine, and so. It was so discordant that I usually stay a while, so I can speak with the Facilitator and I don’t know, probe some more… maybe? But this time? This time I just shoot out of the door as if I was being thrown out and… oh shit. HAHAHAHA XD are you fucking kidding me? Alright, really, this is going to be a blast and yes I’m being ironic… fuck it, really. Fuck it.
Well, I hope the workshop turns out for the better and the suffering be short. I’ll keep this blog posted, maybe…
PD: it seems that something was moved from me too, because I feel kinda sick… urgh~
I am going to take this as a signal that it working so much that has me spiraling out of control in my angst and for some strange reason, I feel used and cheap, but nothing new there. I was going to say stuff, but as usual, there is only a blank in my head where my complaints should be, but really, right now I am in a very deep hole, which I don’t really want to climb out, and not because I like the hole, but because literally I’m too tired of climbing out and out and I’m always somehow or another end in the same spot.
Do you know what I feel right now really? I should be pissed off, but of course, anger is something I seldom feel, and now? Much more… but I feel like everybody’s lives are snapping into places and mine still feels in the same stuck spot that is always is, and ok, maybe I’m just blind and lost in my usual wangst, what can I tell you? I try, maybe the energies outside don’t help much, because the only thing that has been eradicated from my life for good is Suicide and it was entertaining to contemplate it, I cannot do that anymore and whatever… but my wangsting? Spiraling with my thought is kinda my superpower, but I do feel kind of annoying with the situation, to the point where yesterday I was ready to send everything to the metaphorical hell when… well I just fell asleep, but I don’t even know how to put into words what I am feeling, but it’s not a good feeling, is ugly and it seems to taint on the inside, well, more tainted that I, ain’t much people, so never you mind.
Fuck, never you mind… if I have to stay here forever, I am well and ready, the situation in this country is about to change, so, five years of crisis? Bring it on it! And then I’ll pretend I never had dreams, which thinking about it. I really have no concrete dreams. I don’t want a family, I don’t want to have a specific house, I don’t want to be successful, seriously? Is kind of sad, because when I see towards the future, I’m not thinking, well… I would like: this, this, this, this. When I see into the future is something like: find money, go to the cinema, sleep… sometimes ice cream, the rest, oh… the connection to internet, that is very important, this is where my life develops.
From this own I will be like a leaf in a river, I struck myself against a rock, awesome, I ran down the stream, awesome too. maybe this is my weariness speaking and we know how volatile my feelings can be… or the lack of there of. Urgh, to this point I have absolutely no idea of what I want, for what I want seldom I get, as instantaneously as it can be, because the moment I don’t want the stuff anymore is when it comes and everything else… I don’t know either, because you can’t know what you don’t know, if you understand what I’m trying to say.
No seriously, fuck it.
Sincerely, this very half-tired, half-annoyed “human”.