You know what it fucks me up? The fact that… we are more like My Little Pony than real humans, let me explain… I’m speaking about the ‘Cutie Marks’. In the end, everybody is special and that makes angry. Or not… I cannot be angry like this anymore, it’s like I lost the ability since I have been healing, but it did put me down a little, because I cannot feel depression either. It’s weird, but people like me should understand.
People doesn’t seem to notice, but everybody can do everything. Like, for example, I had this recital in school, it was not the Choral of the school, it was just my classroom and the teacher didn’t want to teach, so she said one day: let’s do a choir recital and thus, we didn’t learn anything else since that day onward. The issue was… that people complained, of course, because they did not want to sing, because not everybody could sing in tune, WRONG, sure… at the beginning everything was an unmitigated disaster, to the point where the people that knew how to sing, proposed that we sang most of the song and the rest just accompanied us in the choir, but in the end? The thing was like a real choir, seriously… we could compete with whomever we wanted. It was harmonious, it was nice… and those people didn’t know how to sing and it was proven they didn’t know how to sing, it was horrible, but with a little bit of practice? And I mean, a little… we practice two hours A WEEK, alright? that’s how little we needed to practice for this…
And like this, same thing with painting and electronics and… whatever the hell you can think. And it pisses me off, or would, if I could… I know other people’s accomplishments shouldn’t make mines less, but let’s cut the crap, we are human and the fact that I can sing and paint and be good at technology, means nothing in the great scale of things, because everyone can do it with a modicum price of practising two hours a week. WHAT?!
I’m not joking… these skills (really half-skills) I have, are really something ingrained in the human mind or something. Hard science in the other hand? It’s maybe because Hard Science are not originally hard-wired, I mean, chemistry was invented by man, whilst signing is something everybody can do, because everybody (or almost everybody) has a voice. Do you get me on this? Or I’m being silly again? So I can’t really feel proud of what I do when, first: there always will be someone that will be better than I am in everything I do, and second? Everybody can do what I do… Look at this point of view: I good in everything that has been proven EVERYBODY can do with no time at all. Painting, Writing (communicating), Signing, Languages, etc… I mean what the fuck does it mean “You are good with language?” threw any bastard to a new country, not speaking the language and trust me, it shall be learn, no matter what. This is not a skill, to be good with language, this… just… stuff everybody can do. And that disturbs me. Because if everybody is special?
See what I mean? Everybody is special: everybody is related to Jesus Christ or has Royal blood, or belongs to the soul family of whatever. Everybody has the same potential, apparently. And I don’t like that, that’s sounds communist, if everybody is special in some way then we are all equals and WTF? I don’t want to keep thinking about this, anymore. :( yes, sad face for you life!
Pay attention and you will notice this too. Everybody can actually levitate things and see ghosts and have a telepathic connexion with anybody. Everything that makes me special, for example; doesn’t make me special at all because everybody can do it, how much of a downer is that?! Bah, whatever, that is why I don’t like relations of any kind. And I don’t want to keep talking about this…
Today the day began slow, and then it became a marvellous day. I was in a workshop and we were cleaning Prosperity, Abundance and those kind of things, nothing worth mentioning happened, until the teacher told me that I was the Twin Flame of the God of Earth, of this Earth and that shook my world and I’m in such state of dichotomy it’s ABSURD. I know this will last, as usual; NOTHING, but tonight I’m in that subject and that’s how it is, but… I’m really, really conflicted, you know? I have these self-esteem problems, where I don’t really feel deserving of this AMAZING thing I just discovered and while I would like to tell you the whole history, there truth is… I won’t, cuz… that’ too much of a drag and I’m still conflicted, as you might imagine.
Of course, this… I have decided to call them Dearly Beloveds, almost damaged my day, but it was over it, of course, I’m not as good as I was before the stuff, but I’m GREAT. Our building was with some Brujería work, where some stuff where crossed (the building) and a nice person, a friend, I hope… helped me to do it and we not only did that to my building, but also de the funerary company that is surrounding us. It was amazing, I cried like a girl and these souls were so elated, but also SO SAD, it was really heart-breaking. T^T yeah, that’s my face, but I am really happy.
I’m not sure if everything we now know, it’s true, but I don’t care… I really feel great with myself, like seldom before also, if I wanted confirmation, well, after everything was said and done, a storm came down pouring, it was… very cleansing… I have been trying to get to rain FOR AGES with minimum results, and now this happens so blatantly? I am SO HAPPY AND GRATEFUL, really, I am. It was really amazing. I was at first kind ambivalent and I was pretty set in some thoughts and in receive information, but well, I might not have gotten what I wanted, but I certainty received what it was needed and why not? I needed.
Of course, tis a long way from the absolute win, but after this it has to BE easier. Even the air conditioning seems purer, somehow…
Oh fuck… Oh fuck… ASDFGHJKL! Holy Crap! Abandonment? Seriously?
Alright, let me start from the beginning.
I was watching a video of AskTeal, where she was speaking about Negative Imprints and Life Purposes. I think it’s the first time I have received such a direct answer from my mind or whoever it was that gave me the answer, I’m still amazed by it. I mean, I literally didn’t even close my eyes and thought to much when the word that came was ABANDONMENT. Because, it’s sad, but true, that my life have been a series of people and things abandoning me and it is amazing how things kinda begin to make sense… don’t know about the promised changes, but I’m quickly going to clean Abandonment with SRT, ASAP.
Wow, I’m still impressed… I mean, before I was born my biological father left me by dying. Then four years later my mother gives me away to have a ‘better life’ which is greatly debatable, but I honestly DON’T CARE about that anymore. Then, my first “best friend” (I have never have a best friend, I just have my best friend who has a best friend, does it make sense this? I mean, it is mine, but I have never been them’s). Leaves me, because we were changed of sections in primary school and she didn’t care to follow through with our friendship, wow that sucked… she got over it quickly, I don’t think she missed me at all, me not being her you important friend and now there is not a single vestige of that relationship. I don’t know if in between my mother giving me away and this pseudo “best friend” doing it, something happened, but I don’t have any memories of me, before that time. Maybe it did, with be being the one forced to abandon, I did moved to another city, but nobody probably cared that much.
Then, my next “best friend” again, read this term with extreme prejudice; left me, because her mother thought I was a satanic witch and my best friend was a moronic sheep from the flock, so she heeded her mother or who knows? Maybe she believed it, too. Then one of the most flaky “best friends’ I have had, promised me that we would always be in touch after High School, yeah right… but I wasn’t expecting any different, I was just a person that randomly left her world to get into his. Then my other “best friend” whom I actually call Mother, even today, our close relationship was relegated to mere random comments on Facebook, I actually explained to her that I was always ended being left by people, every four years; she told me she would never left me. Oh boy, if she left me or not, that is still debatable.
Then there is this… not best friend… more like “only friend”, so I don’t have much of a choice, but to come back to it. Curious, how four years had passed and while the relationship is not as close as once was it still pretty tightly knitted if we compare with the other relationships I have had in my life, but I think this person probably has some issue of his own to clean through me. So our relationship had not hit rock bottom, because of that.
Following the subject in any particular order: my surrogate father had never been there except to give money, my surrogate mother had never been there if I compare how she is with her own children. All the people that had promised to help me, never come through. I have never had a partner and thanks god, can you imagine how painful it would be if I loved someone and this someone left me one day without a single note or worst? *shivers*… I supposed I can stay here for HOURS listing everything that my Negative Imprint has brought to my life, but I won’t… because it does not matter anymore, past is in the past, it cannot be change it can only be accepted, integrated and erase the pain and emotions, so it’s just really, past.
So, after finding this Negative Imprint, you are supposed to find its opposite, which supposedly leads you to your life purpose… so what’s mine: Be Cherished? Be accepted? Be supported? Be approved? (I really, don’t think this is what I want, I have never wanted anybody’s approval, but what do I know?). Allowed?
Well… given that we only can life in the present, eventually we will see what the hell this will lead to.
Today I celebrated my first “Esbat”, but duly note those quotations, because I’m not sure what I’m actually doing and with this ritual I don’t feel anything. I mean, I cast the circle (all by myself of course). Then I made the Unity Breath meditation, then I did the stuff with drawing with your left hand, but again, it was just nonsense. Also, candles in a room? That the WORST thing ever. Also, incense sticks? I can’t weather them x.x. They make me very miserable.
I made tons of mistakes with the invocations and I pointed the Athame to the goddess, but apparently in this ritual you can do that, but I was told not to do that? I supposed it’s whatever floats your boat. But for the first time… it was just… stuff. Also, I was beginning to feel drained, again. Do you know what I did the day after the first class? No? Being unable to stand up for my bed, feeling that my eyes couldn’t stay open, in fact that scared me and bothered me a little, because I have no idea of what the hell happened :S
To be honest, I am not a person of carefully following rituals and repeat this? Um~ I’m not that sure… I mean, I brought the candles and made the cloth… but I don’t feel that connexion with this kind of ‘magic’. You know what I am thinking? Maybe in this life I’m not meant to develop magic in its full extent… also, do you know what I don’t like of magic in the third dimension? It’s not flashy enough. I want beams of colours and pretty particles surrounding me, just like Harry Potter. Urgh~ my legs hurt… also, I’m not sure I will get initiated in this and if I do, I don’t think I will be using this that much. Probably I will just go there and forget about it. Though, if you get initiated, you sort of bind yourself to this. I don’t like doing Communitarian Service, I didn’t do it in High School or College to now do it in here. I’m just in for the magic and the rituals and the potential reconnection with my abilities, not everything else… that seems the only thing I will be getting.
I have to admit that I was about to cry when I opened the circle. Don’t ask me why, I have no idea. I really didn’t feel a think when I cast the circle, so… *shrugs*
You know what I feel right now? Another full moon? I don’t think so. God, again my throat is bothering me, it’s the incense and the candles. *headdesk, headdesk, headdesk* I really don’t want to be a quitter, but seventy per cent of me? Wants not to go to the second class. Oh god… I really need help. I do suppose I shall burn all the candles that VERY EXPENSIVE they are. Seriously, my life in this country don’t allow me to make those sort of expenses without calling You-Know-Who and asking for that money? That’s one awkward conversation, dude.
Definitively, this rituals doesn’t make me feel good and peaceful. I’m tired, in pain and uncomfortable. I think the wires got crossed, when I was recommended I followed this path with such a high number. Oh god please, I hope tomorrow will not be a repetition of Thursday.
Well, nothing else is noteworthy, so I will just finish this and go and sleep I guess.
You know this new workshop I was moderately excited to begin? Yes, that was me being Moderately Excited…
It was an unmitigated disaster. Well, no… that’s just me being a Drama Queen.
I won’t judge this workshop, by its first class, but in my woes you can find:
I didn’t resonate with anything in the workshop.
I didn’t feel anything.
I felt SO unwelcomed, it was IMPOSSIBRU.
I learnt nothing I didn’t know and what I didn’t, I didn’t care one single bit.
Most of the so called students were LATE. ESPECIALLY THE TEACHER, I mean, WHAT THE HELL, TEACHER?
I was chewed out because I offered a correct metaphor.
I was cold.
I was uncomfortable.
My virus/maladi worsened.
TOO MANY STUDENTS and not ENOUGH ROOM.
This workshop was all my academic pet-peeves/nightmares mixed together and MORE.
Urgh……… excuse moi, s’il te plait…
On the other hand, because I have to put positives things in this post:
I didn’t get lost. It was kinda easy to arrive and even if the parking was kinda expensive, because I decided to go with VIP.
It was also very easy to go home, even if I didn’t know where I was going and it was dark.
There were no reactive energies, so while not particularly thrilled with anybody, I didn’t feel like killing anybody, which counts as a win.
I did get Samhain. I don’t know how, because that’s the one I wanted to get, but I got it.
I need to have words with you, Higher Self, infinite… 95%? Seriously? Seriously Higher Self? I think I know what I’m going to be taught in this workshop and I’m telling you, I don’t like that prospect one single bit. But, seriously Higher Self, what in all heavens where you doing telling me I was going to enjoy this in such a higher percentage when so far I’m willing to give you a three per cent of that number and that three is the idle prattle we did, when we where only six and the beginning of the class while everybody decided to arrived thousands of hours late.
On another swell of bad news, I lost my goblet… fuck, I hope that shits reappears.
Tons of people wash out, yeah… let’s give it the six months I paid for… it’s a good thing this is only once a month.
I will stop listing all the reasons why I thought it was a good idea listening to my Higher Self… yes I’m being sarcastic.
Jesus Christ almighty…
I’m going to return to watch Sakura Card Captor…
Yeah, shut up…
Alright, here is the thing. Have had happened to any of you before you immediately regretted deeply to sent or say something? I usually get so excited I don’t read anything and then… PLAF! Foot meet mouth… and I’m writing this as catharsis. Apparently I am going to do a Wiccan Workshop. Figures that I would end in this road, who would have thought? Right? There is one thing I don’t like one bit, but I suppose, Reiki and Merkaba with all of that, because the workshop is from 6 to 9 PM, yep, we need to go to the Millennium Mall to class, god, I’m so not liking this going alone at night, but, I need to lose that fear, because I am 25 years old and if I want to make a workshop at the frigging dawn then I will. Honestly, these fears totally help, but they can’t keep in a cocoon, because that’s ridiculous. Well, my head wrecker is that I hope they ignore the wording in the mail, because for making everything quickly and not reading well, then I put the most stupid and obnoxious phrase known to mankind.
I just read wrong and I always make a storm in a teacup, honestly. I know it’s nothing and they will just ignore it, I just decide to be this silly about things that doesn’t matter, well… I’ll update you, even if you don’t care if I make it to the course and I will probably will be talking about it, even if I don’t force myself to do it.
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! I’m just. SCREEEEEAM! This is too exciting! FINALLY!
Yesterday, because why not? I decided install a Merkaba well, I would say external, but apparently when you use that term you are speaking of the artificial merkaba and this is just a copy you can program and put it elsewhere, but the point is that I programmed it so in my bed or in that space gravity would be 0 (no gravity) and that polarity would be neutral or no polarity. My stomach didn’t agree with me and I know I must have uninstalled the thing unconsciously, becasue for the life of me I couldn’t fall asleep. It was really weird, but at the same time it was really cool, though XD. It also gave me a really weird headache, so I suppose that I will be sleeping in normal gravity and polarity for now xD.
I feel kinda cheated. I don’t think you know, but this weekend I did the second level of Sacred Geometry and of course, I went to the workshop with so low expectation that it was kinda more than I was waiting, but still… anyway, I went to the course completely forewarned, so the shock was not that bad… but what I feel kinda cheated was that the kernel of the Second Level, I stayed with SO MANY DOUBTS I feel as if I had not attended the workshop at all. I know, I know… this was the only thing you needed to receive from that and yiala, yiala, but I call bullshit, if the workshop was to teach you how to put Buddist Columns, program your Merkaba and whatever else it was you were offered, the least you could do was to actually practice once or twice. But… OH~ NOOO~ we like, wandered around for most of the day and the last half hour was what we dedicated to actually learn what we went to learn… Oh God, why does this things keep happening to me? What’s there to learn? Don’t go to workshops? That’s absurd… besides, it’s not like there are these many people in Venezuela teaching about Sacred Geometry or Merkaba activation. I mean, sure… Unitary Reiki sort of give you a sometimes there Merkaba, but well… that’s not the point.
I found particularly annoying: when we actually went to do the thing, suddenly the teacher turned around and sent all my concentration to hell, I don’t even know what the hell they were talking about after the meditation. I was like thinking about putting a Merkaba to my car when suddenly the teacher was telling us: hey! We have to put a Merkaba in whatever… it was on a tomb… if you are interested. I put the thing in the top of a frigging mountain, nice one Liu… *roll eyes*. I am so lost, wool-gathering in this world; well… I did give permission to use my energy as fit. I didn’t specify, so maybe it was redirected to that mountain, who knows?
Another thing that happened in the meditation was that I suddenly was thinking: “Let’s erase everything, because reasons.” And those were not really my thoughts, but then when I was, wait! That’s not…! I decided to keep going and from there was when all the meditation went to hell, ‘cuz I can see shit in my mind and if I can see it, then I lose the image ASAP, let’s not speak of the fact that I feel more comfortable writing; so can you imagine that I have to hold a screen in my mind that holds three lines of text and I have to actually read the text in the screen? That’s… that’s too advance for my visualization powers right now.
For some reason, all my shoulders/neck area HURTS like hell.
What I did feel in this workshop was that something snapped and all good. I mean, like some of the “protections” I had in my “powers” suddenly weren’t there and I could actually use them, but I don’t put much faith into it. My horoscope has been stalking me, it’s kinda impressing. So yeah, I could feel again how I felt when I was younger, but I won’t jump with my EUREKA! just yet.
As usual I was harassed until say NO MORE! and for the first time in my life I was called: “Flaca” for those of you who doesn’t know what that is, that’s a person whom is slim, very slim. I took my by surprise and I don’t know how I feel about that. It made me feel really good though, I know that much. I also was called a ‘Baby Genius’. I just smiled, thanked and then inside myself I just told myself: I FUCKING WISH! u_u They dish the word Genius pretty easy these days.
What else? In the harassment department: I was every time almost yelled at to stop using the word “BUT”. I also was told to shut up, or stop the mental chatter so I could listen to myself, whatever that meant. I also was told very Snape-like, clean and empty your mind and Harry, I feel your pain bro, ’cause I have no idea how to shut up and listen to myself. Among other things… honestly, it’s like a broken record I should listen to, but honestly, if I knew what I had to do, I would do it, really, I swear… well, I don’t, but you know… I mean, I can stop the mental chatter for fifteen minutes a the time, but even if I stop it for an hour I doubt it will make much difference. ASDFGHJKL! Excuse me while I summarise my frustration. I feel really attacked, but I know that’s my own ego and blah, blah, blah, I have heard it all before, at least I was not alone… but the thing is it was more intense with myself. I don’t know if it’s becasue I cannot just hide in the corner and I have to sprout stuff with my know-it-all personality, but my god… seriously.
I don’t want to keep writing about this, so I wont.
There is a consensus that Source is this thing that doesn’t have polarity and stuff, and never you mind that… but… where the hell is the Force that should be against creation in these lowers dimensions? I really have a hard time believing that Source doesn’t have an Anti-source… you know? The ‘Thing’ in capitals that ripped apart from Source when creation occurred. Think about it, if when Spirit decided to exist in a explosion of thought and movements, where Light and Darkness were created simultaneously… where in hell is that counterpart of SPIRIT and don’t tell me “The Devil’ if you notice in all the renditions of ‘The Devil’. Lucifer, Satan, whatever you call him (it?) is just throwing a temper-tantrum ‘cus he wasn’t daddy’s favourite child any-more and just decided to spit him and then Source, God, Whatever made him move out of wherever the hell (no pun intended) he lived with The Creator. Of course, the Higher Councils say ‘HE’ DOESN’T EXIST, but if every other angel ever named, existed (ignore the bible) then The (former) Angel of Light, The Morningstar has to exist in any form, right? It only makes sense if every other angel accepted in this New-Age, but rejected by the ‘Church’ calling them: “Rouge Angels” exist. But whatever, I shall not waste our times questioning if Lucifer or Luzbel or never mind how he was called in the original times, existed and he will be forevermore ‘he’ for me, so, excuse the forced gender role I did there *nervous chuckle*
Returning to the subject at hand: Theories says that Matter and Anti-Matter coexisted in the middle of no-where and joined and puff, we have polarity and existence, so WHERE THE HELL IS THE ANTITHESIS OF SPIRIT?! Where is the Head-Honcho that should be waving siege for all existence to return to non-existence (?). My mind gets sort of confused with these subjects. I mean following the laws of Creation, when whatever exist in polarity has to have two sides, I really want to know where is SPIRIT reversed polarity! I have always have this idea in my mind that Reversed Polarity of God is fighting about creation cause love seemingly stopped loving ‘it’. I know, it’s absurd, but if everything ends and begins with love, it sort of makes sense, right?
What brought this? I have absolutely no idea, SPIRIT is always recommending me: thinking in an orderly manner… that usually doesn’t end well, so I don’t bother, which means ANYTHING can arrive to my mind without rhyme nor reason and today my mind wanted to ramble about where is the Antithesis of SPIRIT? even if where the dimension SPIRIT lives: SPIRIT and ANTI-SPIRIT lives perfectly in harmony, ’cause apparently polarity is just an illusion of the lowers dimensions of existence (?). Though I’m not sure how sold I am with that idea, if conflict is what allows life (imagine a life without conflict, not much of a life, right?). I extrapolate this, because when you call upon the Higher Councils, I only have STR to make this extrapolation; but only SPIRIT is sort of indisputable; because most of the time every-being-else digress between each-other and with the SPIRITUAL BEING itself so badly; you have to ask for a replacement to continue with the therapy. So… if we call upon the twelve dimension to clean programs and stuff and they still are sort of in a conflictive disposition… so much for polarity not existing in the Higher Dimensions. It actually contradicts itself, if there is ‘life’ existing in the higher dimensions, that we actually can ‘interact’ and notice the quotation marks, the conflict has to exists some way or another or it wouldn’t make much of a point to well… be.
If you are asking if I would side with team SPIRIT or team ANTI-SPIRIT, then you must be new in here XD. I will always be attracted to the side of non-existence, yes; even if that means that I will cease existing too. To each their own, right?
Pairing: James Bond/Q
Warnings: Child Abuse, Violence.
Summary: Q really had enough “children” already to now add another one to his workload. Life might not give you what you want, but sometimes it pushes you so you can get to what you need.
Disclaimer: You know the drill. Thinking James Bond is mine… that’s plain delusional.
Q was coding in Q-Branch as usual, when he felt the disturbance that happened when M or a 00 Agent entered the Branch. He sighed, looking up; noticing that 007 had finally arrived to Q-Branch.
“007.” Q greeted neutrally.
“Q.” Bond greeted back exuding every bit of sensually and filtration, he remembered. “How have you been?”
“How many pieces?” Q asked knowing the man was stalling.
“A lot?” He offered with that infuriating smirk of his.
“The gun?” Q wanted to cry a little when he saw the gun. “Are you serious? This isn’t even the gun I gave you.” The gun that Q had in his hands was a Beretta that had seen better days; it was all rusted and seemed about to break into pieces.
“Ah yes… there was a situation with your gun. It worked magnificently as always, of course.” Bond explained without explaining anything. Q took discretely a deep breath.
“The radio?” He asked at last, fearing the answer.
“Oh, well you see… I ran out of bullets and the only thing I had in me was the radio, so I just threw it at one of the thugs that were following me.” Q wanted to sigh and rub his forehead and pinch his nose’s bridge and tase Bond with his very special Taser, but that would be unseemly so he just grounded himself by putting his palms on the cold steel and look at the man impassibly.
“I do see. Why don’t you vacate Q-Branch, 007?”
“Why? I am not welcomed here?” Bond asked him leaning on the table, sensually.
“Well, let me see: you are making Q-Branch Jittery, you just lost thousands of pounds in equipment and you are aggravating me…” Q smiled with his eyes hard as concrete. “Yes, you are not welcomed here, 007.”
“You shouldn’t be so focused on the material side of life, Q. I came back here, thanks to your thingamabobs in one piece; I only have one bruise in my thigh and that was a very pleasant bruise.” If you know what I mean…was implicit in the sentences along with the wink.
“You are a horrible human being, 007. Dismissed.” He ordered with his impassible voice, returning to his work, not even bothering in asking Bond for the pieces of the thingamabob… the gall of the man. He knew it would be cheaper and less aggravating to begin from scratch.
“Such I shame you don’t like me Q, I greatly enjoy my time in Q-Branch.”
“Now see… that is where you are wrong 007, because I have absolutely no problem with you. My problem is the way you disregard every order, even if it’s perfectly serviceable and rational, only to be spiteful and the way you destroy the equipment, I know you know you can return, because of some twisted reason…” 007 just smiled even darker. “007, you are not being an inconvenience to the system. You are an inconvenience to myself and the rest of Q-Branch, the underpaid techies that have to stay here for hours to no end, because you have a thing with authority. Yes, good Job, 007.” And with those words, Q stood up and went to search for more tea, in a fairly full cup, only to stop 007’s vicious circle.