• I feel: normal and tired
• I Listen: Nothing

Yesterday, I was robbed. Don’t worry too much, it was American lifting type of robbery. Why it wasn’t the damn blackberry which I don’t want? You had to take the Itouch… damn… well, maybe that was the universe saying: buy a new one… scumbag universe. Yeah, robbed two times in less than a year.

I want out of this fucking country, but honestly. I look at the paper work and I get like: .

Why I’m even complaining? I should be doing something, like hauling my ass out of this third world, under developed, shit; country. :S

I told you-know-who that I got robbed. It was via phone, but I imagined his poker face. For a moment I was like: Oh god, why? But in the end it seemed like he is going to pay at least part of it of my new thingy.

You wont believe when I say that I loathe myself only call somebody to ask for something, but I can’t call him just to say hello, I may kill him from a heartattack. If he at least checked his email or read his sms I would stop by from time to time, but, though luck, mine is…

• I feel: Annoyed
• I Listen: The annoying birds outside (SHUT UP ALREADY!)

I hate this nightmares my brain is subjecting me to. It’s a hell of series of weird nightmares in which I know there is a scary shit situation, in a scary shit setting and I’m still bloody calm! I just wake up because I know I’m dreaming (nightmaring…) and I just what the hell, myself… it almost like being Buffy, but without vampires. I think I even enjoy killing the monster of the week. Scumbag brain… I didn’t even saw anything scary! (unless you count the stupid test of the test I took in the preparatory course, in which I failed so bad, it hurt.) The last thing I saw before going to sleep (with a nice empty stomach) was how to make stamped cards! What’s wrong with you, brain? You were going so well, not giving me any dreams… why today, huh? Now I don’t want to go back to sleep because I know I’m going to have another weird shit dream.

Worst of all? In two hours and half from now I have to go to the dreaded course again. (and then: Monday! Yeepee *Sarcasm*) FML. For what?! I still feel deep, deep inside how I am going to FAIL that stupid College test to get in. FUCK YOU…

Seriously Annoyed, Liuny.

• I feel: My stomach is killing me
• I Listen: Deftones - Change

Holy Crap… yesterday I did something I know I shouldn’t have done it… but alas the body’s weak and mine? Even more. My Gastritis is killing me today. I knew Mcdonall’s with ice cream and soda and then profiteroles plus a can of Dr. Pepper wouldn’t do any good to my, already thrashed; stomach, but I couldn’t! I’m weak! x.x now I’m paying the consequences. It sucks to be me right now, I know it’s my fault so I will shut up and suck it like a woman.

This week: I hate my work. Curiously I don’t hate my coworkers. I do hate my bosses, though. :D Oh boy… how I deeply despise them, this week. Let’s see next one. I hope it gets better (yeah… right).

I want to go home. I want for the last things I ordered to come already… I can’t even look forward the weekends because I have classes *dies* I want to write something, but I’m not sure what I want to write. I seem to have work that I don’t want to do, but alas I don’t know people who like to do their job. We are that special.

• I feel: weird
• I Listen: Vicente Fernandez - Las Mañanitas

Have I per chance mention that I hate sudden death? I mean, I know that I ramble about Death itself, but sudden death? Oh boy…

Today, in the early morning a cousin died after spontaneously aborting her three children. I don’t know exactly what happened, but she isn’t with us anymore and that kinda suck, but death is like that: relentless and cruel. I do have something that may sound cruel but she decide to travel when the doctor said now and she knew she was no good… so this was partially her fault. It seemed that preeclampsia killed her with the killing blow being a heart attack or something… I think about it and it gives me the gibby-jibbies so I didn’t dwell too much on it.  Four deaths… that’s a lot in a day in my life.

Well… I hope she Rest in Peace in Heaven or whatever she is going right now.

• I feel: insecure
• I Listen: cacophony

I have been dreaming restless. I already don’t remember past dreams of past weeks, but I know I have been dreaming too much, it’s beginning to creeping me out. I don’t know if it’s because of what it’s happening in my life, which is not much, or if I just laid down on the Vuscobras and my sleep cycle is beginning to normalize (little bit of both, maybe?).

My recent dreams have been a little bit perturbing, I want them to stop, especially if they are just annoying. Thing is, this dream called my attention. Like every dream, this began out of the nowhere with me inside a bus. Those normal bus, pretty blue… you know what the gig was? That I was traveling to dimension trying to find one that I like. I mean: I didn’t just dreamed of another dimension. I don’t know how I keep crossing dimension I just knew it was different and there was the stupid bus taking me away. I remember traffic. I remember looking outside the window and it was raining. I remember being in a university in France and then telling the conductor if I could jump to a new dimension where I spoke the language. I don’t know why I just didn’t relocated to another country, but I don’t think I was making much sense. There was some serious conversation, I was traveling with Franco whom is a fifteen year old boy, but I sort of like him a lot (not in the cradle robber way). The last jump, I made I was in this same forsaken country, but years in the future. It was full with cars… but buildings were pretty much the same, it was hilarious because there was a white SUV with a lot of sticker like those one that put in things to explain you what they do. Car could fly, o imagination… There was a man that went with me all the way through the universes, but he was not a traveler searching for the perfect world, he was the driver or maybe a Guide. I know we talked so pretty serious stuff, like philosophical stuff that made sense when I was feeling all confused, but right now I can’t remember, I can’t remember his face either… I just now it’s a man.

I laughed when I woke up, because I was so hung up in my markers. Yeah, my markers traveled with me, in fact is the only possession I saw during the travel. I don’t need Freud to tell me what all that means… the startling need of change, the fact that I know I’m stuck up… fix in a horrible point of my life and I do nothing to change it. The scary need of running away and never come back. It’s distressing in the sense that I feel with my hands tied behind my back and I can’t do shit to loose the tie. I know I’m scared and I know I’m insecure. I just need that push, the divine signal to give me the “All clear.” Some days I feel like if this signal is never going to come and one day I’m going to find on my dead bed and sighed because I did nothing. It irk me, like you have no idea. But for now the only thing I can do is complain. Yeah, I can see the face whom read this already…

Either way. My life is still work. I brought new markers (And the aquarellable crayons). I applied to take the admission test in the UNIMET (Universidad Metropolitana) in Modern Languages. I’m taking a admittance course. I’m hopeless at math. I don’t know if I wanna in or not… it’s nerve breaking. Sometimes I wish I do, but sometimes, not so much. But in the simplistic thinking of the mass: life will tell. I still suck at math and without math ain’t going anywhere. It doesn’t matter.

Holidays… yey… I have just four days left… why are you passing so fast? Scumbag time… yes I used my vacations and I’m loving it not having to do a thing. I’m watching Buffy, the Vampire Slayer but the download is very slooo~w… I want to eat BQQ ribs but well though luck, because it’s too damn far and I won’t spend money on that. My Ulcer pains me sometimes and sometimes not. I found I have (had) the H. Pylori and I already killed it with antibiotics, I hope so at least. I want to draw, but I don’t know what to… I have my life as usual. I bought a new printer, because mine never really worked (I shouldn’t, because my account is getting depleted fast…) but alas, I also bought a router and a USB adapter for wireless Internet. I don’t know why, my mind hounded me with: SPEND MONEY, LIU. C’MON! YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT! And I: yes, of course I do.

I need money. I WANT IT LIKE CRAZY. I’m waiting for the last batch of markers I bought and the Letraset Markerpad. I don’t know if I’m coming to regret the buy, but time will tell again. I want to change the Layout of the blog, but I don’t want to design… I feel like throwing up if I have to design in holidays… so pardon me while I ignore the moon design that is driving my insane.

• I Listen: John Powell - Forbiden Friendship
• I feel: ill

The curious thing is, every time I sit myself to think of religion, every time I found it more implausible. It’s not that I have something against people believing that when they die if they fulfill every single bullet in the contract will get 12 virgins when they arrive to heaven, but come on: when you seriously consider it, it sounds kind of… astray. I don’t even know what to call it.

I think that of all religions (or better said: the religions I know of) the most plausible would be the Christianity, which is full of holes too, which is unnerving. I don’t know if faith or indoctrination have something to do with the “plausibility thing…” but, the fact that every single soul that dwelt in this universe (we cannot seriously think that in 16 or more billions of light years we are the only sods living in this universe). It’s now after-living in hell or heaven, I mean, WTF? I would like to think life have a purpose but maybe this purpose doesn’t have anything to do with something bigger, I mean, I would love to believe in a deity but it’s not that I’m atheist or agnostic or whatever, I’m myself; but there are something that just don’t fit.

Deep in thought, I realize that maybe the fear of dying is because this is it. You live and then you go with the thermodynamic laws. You transform into energy, or what the hell? I don’t even care enough. I hate this thoughts, not because of the thought itself; but because there is not answer. The world is the world: dull, boring, repetitive (and dangerous). Think about it and most of the shine will fade. Maybe it’s because we are so short of everything, but life at it is, it’s nothing off-world, to put it into words. I know I’m not even making sense.

Souls, brains, sixth senses, we never know for sure, and the worst thing is that we don’t care, and the people that care are normally the crazy ones. Kamikazes and that sort of craziness, if you know what I mean. I’m not fighting for my place in the universe, I think that everything have already a place; I feel like, there is not even enough words in the worlds to describe how the hell to explain this.  It’s like everything it’s too little or short. I don’t have enough intelligence, I don’t have enough sight; I don’t even have enough awareness… and this things, you born with this things. I can pretend all I want and everybody will tell you that you can if you want. But believe me: I will open an advanced quantum physics book and not understand everything therein, not even studying all my life I will have the understanding of the universe and beyond, that I feel I need.

There is a puzzle piece missing in all this and maybe we will never find it, and if we do; maybe it will change nothing; which make have a tick in my lower eyelid.

• I feel: Tired and sort of suicidal not...
• I Listen: Chopin - Funeral March

Today, somebody asked me: Where do I see myself in ten years? Seriously? Look, in ten years, I see myself most of the time: dead, if it wasn’t for my recent develop irrational fear to death. I would love to kill myself, live it’s so dreadful, for cereal. So yeah, I am a suicidal maniacal that don’t give a damn… well, I’m sorry, this is me caring, and I appreciate that you think that you can fix me to your sheep-in-the-herd standards, but really, you can’t and I don’t want to. Yeah, I know you are the boss and I will do whatever you tell me to do (in respect of business) because, I just go with the flow… so, why don’t you keep the pep talk to yourself and leave me crashing over and over in the wall that it’s reality, it’s my life… so yeah… I think I can do pretty well what I want with them. Though I should have keep my mouth shut. Too bad, I can’t do that… my tongue it’s faster than my brain. I always promise myself the same thing, I always stumble over and over again with the same stone. I think, in this case I want to cease working… but I don’t have anything better to do, so I will stay where I am ’till they decided that I can’t be there anymore. I don’t like change… I think, I mean, I like the status quo… why do you have to come a change it… for cereal, real life, go away.

Um… I knew something was different. Well, congratulations boy! From manager to associate. I can feel this changes with the blink of the eye. Something change I don’t know, in the air… well, you are not anymore part of our little world. Too bad, I’ll miss you. No, for real, I will, but now you are on another annoying echelon, and well… goes without saying.

So yeah, in conclusion: ten years for now? I will still be doing the same things I’m doing right now, working as a lowly plebeian and reading fanfics. Ah, to never have to grow up *cheers*

• I feel: fulfilled XD
• I Listen: Shakira - Hips don't Lie

I don’t care what people says… Spica (from the brand copic) was kind of a disappointment, and of course it was ridicously expensive, but well… trial and error… I preferred the ones that were miserable 17 dollars :S but, alas… something was bound to backfire by now, this time was a big backfire. Here is a sample of all of the existing Spica they are good but I was expecting something else…

Here are the pens per se and a sakura white marker T_T which is ridiculously big I thought that it would be medium not this jumbo… it seem working ok, which is a relieve…

The markers CIAO which I’m so frustrated I repeated like three markers from the ones I had already brought T_______T I CRY….

The cheapest thing in the stupid buy, and so far the better T_T the glitter is REALLY GOOD in this fiskar! 100% recommend it! I had my doubts… but I was surprised!

My chalks T_T which I knew they would come broken and very dusty… but alas… was inevitable… at least they have great pigments!

and the paper which I messed up because I didn’t check well the grammage of the paper and I got stuck with a flimsy kind of paper but it’s still amazing for real, it blends amazing. Too bad it’s too flimsy T_T let’s cry for a while for the 32$ wasted in a paper that I will not use for the reasons I brought it…

And 11 of the 12 prismacolors (one was out of stock, sucks, I know) that I needed to make the collection complete… I know, I’m such a dork, but hey… people in this country recommend to expend the money because, save? purrff! That’s like, wasting money, but… whatever:

OMG! OMG! OMG! CARAN D’ACHE arrived to this fucking country! OMG! ORGAMS! YES! I… I could kiss the owner! OOMG, OMG! Caran d’ Ache! Too bad they didn’t have what I wanted… wee.. too bad, well, I have waited this long, another month ain’t going to kill me.

This is a painting I’m working on, it’s in oil pastels because the thing was like gathering dust in my closet and I went to find my aquarellable prismacolor and found that and oh What the Hell!? let’s just use it and see…

Well, I’m off to paint :D and tomorrow it’s a free day, YEY!

• I feel: :S
• I Listen: The annoying birds outside...

I think that my mind hates me but now my pussy hates me too? For the first time the bitches decide to graciously join and plot against me. FOR CEREAL… I mean it’s so painfully obvious that I don’t even need to ask Freud what my dream was about it. So what? Yes. I have a kink for art supplies… I know it, she knows it, the world knows it! But mind, let me tell you: you… are… a… cruel, cruel quasi-existing being… why torture me with the two things that I cannot have wherever I want? Sex and ridiculously expensive and unavailable professional art supplies? Seriously? Sex and Prismacolors, you bitch… or maybe no sex, but for the first time in my life (and it was in my dream, how fail is that?) someone flirted with me, it was a man; and I didn’t care, which was awesome: because in real life that doesn’t happen, first I never see a man in real life that I like and people doesn’t flirt with me whatsoever, so yeah. I hate you mind and I hate you pussy… I want to be a fucking Vulcan… I’m such a dork when trying to deal with feelings, it suckz.

It was impressive how I was in the ninth heaven while surrounded by Copic Makers, and brushes and Acrylics and to make it even more realistic some of the things I wanted wasn’t available but hey! It’s Venezuela, and they told me it would eventually come :D so, I can’t wait… I mean, in pain but I can wait… and then I woke up in this horrible reality. Reality sucks… I don’t hate you, like the Future, but let me tell you, you ain’t my favorite thing in the world… bitch…

Damn, what I would give for a good shop with art supplies in this fucking country…

Frustrately me,

L.

• I feel: constipated
• I Listen: Rocio Durcal - Luz de Luna

Damn, I can’t believe that just because I didn’t put the wp_footer(); function in the footer.php the adminbar of wodpress wasn’t showing… I have a year trying to figure out what the hell was happening. I lie… maybe two hours. I haven’t put much of a thought this year in my blog besides the sporadic update about the nuances of my unadventurous and extremely boring life. But, I’m going to try, since right now the Christmas layout, and as you can see (but I know that only computers and spambots are registered in this shit) the adminbar is now showing. Yey! Bah… whatever.

Christmas is coming late: I kid you not. Normally, there is this annoying to-no-end music that is called: “Gaitas” and you normally can hear the screeching thing since July because, let’s face it, it’s Venezuela and the only thing that this country wants it’s to party so, we are in October and I have yet to listen to. I’m happy don’t get me wrong, I did heard some alienated and dispersed songs once or twice, but then… I just want for the heat to end and the stupid year to finish once and for all. I want vacations… even if this month I have been liking my job. I always love my job, but there are months that… well, nothing… I’m a picky and unstable person (yeah, right XD).

I have an allergy/flu that is killing me I can’t touch my nose anymore without feeling pain. It’s horrible red and I can’t breath properly (let’s speaketh not about my GERD and Ulcer, because it’s not worthy, but yeah… you know.) just life, like usual…

Well, I’m off to planned the (I foresee [because I'm feeling awfully lazy]) failed Christmas layout.